Short Version: Mr Bea brings his sister up to date, and I remember Jester's would-have-been birthday.

Mr Bea told his sister over the weekend. The conversation was definitely due. Because of a complex and tedious array of social interactions, every other member of our immediate families - including both my sisters - is fully up to date with our story except for her, so as you can imagine that's a fair old information gap. The conversation went like this:

Mr Bea: So anyway, here's a piece of news - Bea's pregnant. Eighteen weeks.

SIL: Oh my goodness congratulations! Has everything gone smoothly so far?

Mr Bea: Uh. Well...

---

It was Jester's due date a few weeks ago. I was asked how I feel about it, and I feel ok. In many ways, I think it helps to have The Foetus to focus on - a baby who is here, now, who I can still do something for, and with all the lovely pregnancy hormones to boot - but it's not just that. For every due date that passes, there has been a slight release, as if I have to bring each embryo to term in my mind, if not my body, and once that's done, my responsibility is over. I mean, clearly he's not here demanding feedings or nappy changes - my work must be finished.

I suppose it's the final point at which the loss becomes a reality. Sitting here, even now at 18.5 weeks, I can't quite get hold of the fact that The Foetus is in there. My entire experience of pregnancy is very abstract, especially for those pregnancies which were "biochemical". But not having a take-home baby - that I can't fail to comprehend.

So as each due date passes, something in my mind pulls the last piece of understanding into place. Oh, I get it - it's over. It really is time to move on.


14 Comments

Samantha said...

As I was musing, it's hard to figure out how to memorialize or even how to emotionally react to those children who never made it term. I think what you describe makes perfect sense. Hopefully the Foetus will continue to give you a much more happy and concrete experience of pregnancy.

Jess said...

I think I understand what you mean. With our loss, we have a marker in the flower garden...just a stake to remember that baby by. And the past two years, the due date.

Apparantly, though, things can work out. They seem to be working out for us (knocking on wood here!), and they can work out for you, too. I hope you start feeling more in the moment and real with this pregnancy soon...I know that I still have issues understanding that REALLY THINGS WILL LIKELY BE OK, and we're doing things like stripping membranes over here. It's hard, when you've come to expect doom, to accept that something good can come of pregnancy.

Hope for you, Bea. Always hope.

Mands said...

I am glad that you have come to this point. I think it will free you to love your baby without fear or sadness in your heart. And though we never forget, we can let those unborns rest with peace in our hearts for them.

Rachel Inbar said...

You (as always) have a very healthy attitude which I admire... 18 weeks. Wow :-)

M said...

I think just the act of remembering is a kind of 'letting go' and acceptance.... x

Vee said...

18.8 weeks already ? Well it feels fast for me but probably not for you.

Glad you are slowly feeling like you can move on.
I would like to think I will get there and understand where you are at.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Glad that you are feeling like you can move on. I can't believe that it has been over 18 weeks already!

Lut C. said...

Somehow, it makes sense that acknowledging the due date would help you move on.

Geohde said...

Due date anniversaries are tough. No doubt about it. But you're right, moving on has to happen and is kind of inevitable.

You're about halfway through now! That went fast. Well from this end, anyway. :)

J

The Town Criers said...

Wow. This post made chills run up and down my arms. This was my absolute favourite line: "as if I have to bring each embryo to term in my mind, if not my body, and once that's done, my responsibility is over." It was perfect. You said it perfectly.

My Reality said...

M is so right. It is a way of letting go and accepting things.

Sarah said...

it took at least a few days after delivery before i was able to accept that this one was real. i still have trouble buying into words like "mother" and "daughter." who me? i'm infertile.

Changing Expectations said...

I am thinking about you Bea. Remembering and working through the emotions makes sense.

I can't believe that it has been 18 weeks already. Time is flying by! Congrats to you and Mr. Bea.

Jackie said...

This is a beautiful post, and makes perfect sense to me.

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