We had a small field this time, but a great one! Go check out the entries (including mine).

I nearly forgot. Imagining Ourselves - from the International Museum of Women - is (in case you're just hearing about it now) holding an online exhibition which has been running all year and to which I submitted an entry earlier. They're rounding things up with a series of "best of" votes. I'm in the Oceana category, and you can go here to view the entry and vote for me. If you want. That is, if you really like me... sniff, eyelash flutter.

**Update From Comments**

To help "Untitled" win, here are directions for voting that explain in excruciating detail how to vote:

1. Click on this link to join the Best of Oceania conversation: http://imaginingourselves.imow.org/pb/Conversation.aspx?id=99〈=1

2. If you are not already registered, please click on the link “Join Now!” If you are already registered, then click on the link “Login to Post a Comment”

3. After you have registered or logged in, a conversation box will appear and you just have to type in "I vote for Bea because she is truly the Best of Oceania!"

The voting ends on December 27, so visit soon!

(Thanks Renee and Sanja!)

I kind of want to write a whole litany of excuses explaining why this effort is so rushed and beyond last-minute, but I'm sending myself to sleep just thinking about it, so just watch and hope you enjoy! It's pretty self-explanatory... and spooky...

Then, if you haven't already, check out the rest at The Third International Infertility Film Festival - "Halloween Special".

I've already made the quip about not being able to show my face on television. This is my based-on-a-true-story video about loss, grief, and trying again. And scrubbing the kitchen floor with a toothbrush. Which I really and truly did do, for a solid couple of hours.

I apologise in advance for the poor video quality. Like a bad workman, I'm going to blame the fact it was shot using a digital still camera bought in 2003. Transcript follows.

Transcript:
This happened a few weeks after the dilatation and curettage. I woke up with this overpowering urge to clean. It's probably all symbolic and shit.

The house was quite messy. I started with the easy things - the kitchen... dishes... I just kept going. It was like I'd scratched the surface and all of a sudden I realised how much shit there was and how much I wanted to scrub it all away.

It always looks messier before it looks tidier. But if you don't get all this stuff out you can't sort through it. It just stays behind closed doors in a big jumble. You accumulate so much crap without realising it.

It's not about just throwing things away, though. Spring cleaning, it's about deciding what to keep. Sometimes the things you keep are things you'd forgotten you had. You don't throw out stuff that's valuable or precious. You dust it off, you clean it, you wash it, you fold it, you put it away... you put everything in its right place.

Be pretty silly to think it was going to stay like this. Life's not neat and tidy. I think that's why we have these rituals.

I'm not entirely sure what To.ri A.mos had in mind when she wrote "Taxi Ride" for her album Sc.arlet's Walk. Sometimes with To.ri, I'm not sure if she does herself. But I'd like to think she'd approve of this interpretation.

Many of the song's lyrics speak to me about the journey of infertility. We've all been pushed too far... Even a glamorous bitch can be in need... Just another dead fag to you, that's all... It's certainly a long ride, I know it's not me at the wheel, and I can see the metre ticking. I'm sure you can read plenty more in yourself if you look at the full lyrics below.

But it's the chorus I keep coming back to. Every reason we have to hope - the opportunity to do IVF, our ability to fall pregnant at all, the friends and family who help give us the strength to make it through - I truly am glad you're on my side. Still.

There are just shy of 175 photos in this slideshow (I can't remember exactly how many I used, but I know I only have a couple left of the 175 I collected). I'm a little nervous about what you might think of the way I've used your photos, so let me say here and now - if there's any objections, just write and I'll be happy to set things straight.

I've used the negative peestick in the foreground to indicate how large infertility can loom in our day to day lives; how it can become a recurring theme. Photos were provided by Vanessa, Max, Vee, Melissa, Knitbrarian, Sunny Jenny, Mel, Serenity, Mands, Stephanie, Samantha, Pamela, Teamwinks, Dramalish, Patience, Baby Blues, Ankaisa, Buchiko, Jamie, The Momcaster, Schlomit, and Rachel (and I hope like hell I haven't forgotten anyone). They depict life all around the world, from Europe and America, to Australia, Asia, Africa and the Middle East.

Lily is dancing on the table
We've all been pushed too far
I guess on days like this
You know who your friends are

Just another dead fag to you that's all
Just another Light missing
On a long taxi ride
Taxi ride

And I'm down to
Your last cigarette and
this "we are one" crap
as you're invading
This thing you call Love
She smiles way too much but

I'm glad you're on my side, sure
I'm glad you're on my side still

You think you deserve a trust fund
Just because you want one
Sure you talk the talk when you need to
I fear the whole world is
Starting to believe you

Just another dead fag to you that's all
Just another Light missing
In a long taxi line
Taxi line

And I'm down to
Your last cigarette and
this "we are one" crap
as you're invading
This thing you call Love
She smiles way too much but

I'm glad you're on my side, sure
I'm glad you're on my side still

Lily is dancing on the table
We've all been pushed too far today
Even a glamorous bitch can be in need
This is where you know
The Honey from the Killer Bees

I'm glad you're on my side, sure
I'm glad you're on my side, sure
I'm glad you're on my side still

Got a long taxi ride
Got a long taxi ride

I wrote the Untitled Accoustic Country Blues Song back in September, first the words, then the melody (which term I'm using loosely here).

It's a song about loss - not just of pregnancy or fertility, but of naivety and expectation. It's about the way an infertile woman, in the depths of her grief, relates to the fertile world. And it's also about standing up to be counted, despite your childless state. I hope you enjoy it. The words are reprinted below.

I wish I was your age again,
Little girl, 'cos you are
You're six weeks along and you are
Telling the world

You say you're gonna have a baby
And I sure hope that's true
I just wish I could go back and be that
Shiny and new

And well I guess I should smile for you and
Wish you well
And I guess I should hear about your
Morning sickness "hell"

But then I don't know what to say to you
Our lives don't compare
And mostly what I'm thinking
Is I just don't care

I know you think you're older
Than me, little girl
And I know you've travelled far from home
Right across the world

So it might sound strange to you
If I say, now and then
I wish, little girl, I was
Your age again.

I wish, little girl I was your
Age again.

Mel from Stirrup Queens has suggested a challenge be laid down "a la Stephen Colbert's green screen challenge".

So! Who wants to join in? The challenge is to create a short film about infertility and/or pregnancy loss, upload it onto the internet somehow (I used Youtube) and let me know where it is. I will link all entries here (although, of course, everyone will be quite free to link as much as they like as well). I'm going to set the festival date as... let me see... March 31st 2007. We'll watch, we'll enjoy, we'll laugh and cry, it'll be a day to remember.

So that's March 31st, 2007 - mark it in your diaries.

Now, you can make a short film in any way you want, from video, to hand-drawn stills with soundtrack (or even without), to archival footage (naturally used in such a way as to not break any copyright laws, even if you do choose to record it directly from your TV screen using a hand-held camera). But in case you want to do as I've done and use a computer game, here's a quick how-to.

I first heard about this technique through Modern Millie who told us about Decorgal's Standing Alone short on pregnancy loss (2006 release) *Warning* - short depicts near-term pregnancy/baby loss. Standing Alone was made using Sims2, but by following links to Machinima.com I discovered a whole range of computer games could be used this way, and I was struck with a sudden desire to piss about and see what I could do. After some research I decided The Movies would give me the most flexibility and control, and when I saw the game on special just before moving over, it seemed like it was meant to be.

The rest is history. Actually, the rest, as of this point in time, is a tiny short called "A Seasonal Reminder" but let's not split hairs.

Decorgal has a great FAQ all about making shorts using Sims2, and if you want to use The Movies, there's a pretty good in-game tutorial. There's also a forum somewhere, though I can't seem to find it at the moment, but mostly you can work it out by fiddling around and using the help menu. If you want to use other games, well, I can't give you any specific help but someone out there can. My biggest tip is don't try to script the movie first. It won't work. Play the game, build your sets, create your stars, gather your costumes, familiarise yourself with the available action sequences. Then get a basic storyline together, and write the script as you're doing the voiceover at the end. A few sound effects and you're done. It's pretty straightforward really.

Jules just alerted me to this free online taster, in which you can create a sort of online cartoon strip. (If it moves, it counts as a film, far as I'm concerned.)

I've been asked if you need to buy the computer game in order to use it like this, and you do (except if you're using the free online taster that Jules found, see paragraph above).

So March 31st guys - how about it? I reckon a few films is all we need! So who wants to do one?

Did someone say infertility film festival?



(Special thanks to Mr Bea for voicing "Ken".)

**Director's Notes**
For those who asked, this was made using a computer game called "The Movies". It basically involved playing the game at max cheats in order to manipulate the sets, costumes and action sequences I wanted to use into being (which was a major pain in the arse). The actual script was done last, and the "come to mamma" line is courtesy of Mr Bea.