And here it is.

First of all, my erotic dreams suck.

Last night, I dreamt I was having phone sex with Mr Bea, who was/is in a foreign country. I mean, it's a dream, for fuck's sake. It could have been on the beach of an exotic and deserted island, with the tropically warm waves crashing over our naked bodies and the sand magically not getting into uncomfortable crevices. We could have at least been in the same room. But no, because, see above re sucking.

And it gets worse.

Because in my dream I wasn't even listening to his sweet and stimulating eroticisms. In fact, I spent the whole time thinking, "Ooh! That's some great fertile cervical mucous! I wonder if that means..."

Anyone want to analyse that?

In real life, I don't have great fertile cervical mucous. I have the type of mucous one might expect to get when taking three pessaries a day. Every second day I also have bright red spotting, accompanied by what can best be described as a burning sensation in my pelvis. I also have a strange stitch on the right, near where I imagine my right ovary to be. It comes and goes. I've had a stomach upset, which seems to be have resolved now, so I've had the joy of nausea and diarrhoea without the suspicion that it means anything pregnancy-related. I'm tired. I'm emotional. I'm alone. I feel, in short, like a big pile of shit. On the plus side, my pores are fairly refined.

So, in general, I'm much, much better than the previous three FETs. Seriously. I'm coping well compared to them. I say this without sarcasm - I think I've actually stopped expecting things to be any different.

I'm even entertaining the idea of doing one last transfer this year because I'm such a freaking junkie and I just need one more hit... maybe we can use even more drugs this time but then that'll be it, I promise. Just one more, and then I'll walk away.


Anonymous said...

At least it was an "erotic" dream and not a some horrible dream.....Does that make you feel better ?
Sorry you have been feeling unwell.

It would be a very courageous thing to walk away.

I am still holding hope for this FET.

Jules said...

Walking away is the hardest thing. At least while you're cycling, you have hope that this will be your turn.

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