I've already made the quip about not being able to show my face on television. This is my based-on-a-true-story video about loss, grief, and trying again. And scrubbing the kitchen floor with a toothbrush. Which I really and truly did do, for a solid couple of hours.

I apologise in advance for the poor video quality. Like a bad workman, I'm going to blame the fact it was shot using a digital still camera bought in 2003. Transcript follows.






Transcript:
This happened a few weeks after the dilatation and curettage. I woke up with this overpowering urge to clean. It's probably all symbolic and shit.

The house was quite messy. I started with the easy things - the kitchen... dishes... I just kept going. It was like I'd scratched the surface and all of a sudden I realised how much shit there was and how much I wanted to scrub it all away.

It always looks messier before it looks tidier. But if you don't get all this stuff out you can't sort through it. It just stays behind closed doors in a big jumble. You accumulate so much crap without realising it.

It's not about just throwing things away, though. Spring cleaning, it's about deciding what to keep. Sometimes the things you keep are things you'd forgotten you had. You don't throw out stuff that's valuable or precious. You dust it off, you clean it, you wash it, you fold it, you put it away... you put everything in its right place.

Be pretty silly to think it was going to stay like this. Life's not neat and tidy. I think that's why we have these rituals.


34 Comments

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

That was amazing! The tears in my eyes are interfering with my ability to type...

That was just perfect. You captured so many feelings with so few words and actions...

Thank you for sharing your masterpiece

XOXO

Schatzi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Schatzi said...

Oops. Sorry. Anyway...

This was gorgeous. Just gorgeous. It brought tears to my eyes. I am sending this link to my sister... I struggled to explain why I scrub my house down after BFNs. After seeing this she will understand.

Sarah said...

really really excellent job. i mean we expect nothing less, but this one was special.

i love how it shows the reality of your experience, because even though your posts about it were very clear and honest, they were also very...rational. here we get to see this very smart and rational woman dealing with the reality. thank you for sharing it.

The Town Criers said...

Those last words broke my heart. What a fantastic film. I love the part where you said, "it's not just what you throw away, it's also what you keep" or something to that effect. And I loved the moment where you put the sonogram picture into the frame and state that everything goes in its place. I'm so sorry, Bea.

Sunny said...

WOW! When you put the sonogram picture in the book and then turned the paged shook my work.

DD said...

This is a reminder to the people out there that no matter how put together we look or how organized our homes, it usually is because we are shielding the turmoil in our hearts.

Z said...

omg that was extremely powerful. it's so painfully perfect. thank you.

Beagle said...

These films all make me tear up. I'm so sorry Jester didn't make it.

Touching entry, fitting tribute.

TeamWinks said...

So well done...

Pamela Jeanne said...

Okay, you got my vote. Ordinary in one sense but oh so powerful.

Mel said...

That made me cry. Thanks for sharing that.

Inconceivable said...

WOW - simply put !! THank you for sharing

Vee said...

A great job Bea, I love it !
I can so relate to that, if it wasn't for Max and my Mum I would be packing the house today.

It was very moving. You have some great angles in there too. Bravo.

KarenO said...

Wonderful! You got so many subtext messages in here that make it really awesome. Great job!

megan said...

i'm so sorry you had to go through this.
your film is so excellent, Bea. thank you. it's just amazing.

Samantha said...

What a powerful video. Your words really shook me.

Karaoke Diva said...

That was really beautiful, Bea. It's amazing how something so simple can say so much.

(And I could listen to your pretty accent all day.) ;-)

My Reality said...

Wow, Bea. I lost it when you put the ultrasound picture away.

wishingfor2 said...

WoW. I am speachless. I will never think about cleaning again. I loved your images. Thanks

~ Jen

Jason and Samantha said...

That's Beautiful!! I too, had tears in my eyes. Thanks for sharing.

Carly said...

Wow, how powerful.
Beloved Jester, we miss you.

Thalia said...

it's a great fil, bea. heartfelt without being sappy, hard hitting without being obvious about it, creative in format, I'm very impressed, and very touched.

Lori said...

For me, it's about adapting and survivial. (Important for people who don't are deemed unworthy of contributing to the gene pool).

It's about keeping what works and discarding what doesn't.

The letting go is hard.

You captured both the simplicity and complexity.

Wow.

Cibele said...

simple but powerful... I am sorry about your loss

Jules said...

I love it Bea. It's one of my favourites.

Jules xoxoxo

Kami said...

I loved it. I could just feel that energy of needing to clean up and bring order out of chaos. When you put the u/s picture in the photo album and then flipped it to another page . . . well, I just know how that feels. I am sorry about Jester.

Ellen K. said...

I love it, Bea.

Southern Comfortable said...

Just beautiful. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Dramalish said...

So well done. I was just saying "Yeah. Yeah. And.. yeah." The whole time.

Beautiful.
-D.

Jess said...

Oh, Bea, the last screen made me cry.

Loved it. Really.

(PS...you are so skinny!!)

Changing Expectations said...

I loved it. Thank you so much for sharing.

blondie said...

The simple things in life are often the best. Well done. Hugs to you.

:) blondie

Drowned Girl said...

My word

"Sometimes the things you keep are things you'd forgotten you had. You don't throw out stuff that's valuable or precious. "

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