I know it's not a big thing and lots of worse things have been happening out there to other people but I feel like I can't breathe today. It's PBT - sorry Stella, had to steal it. Pre-Bloodtest-Tension. I'm due my next check on Thursday and I can't imagine making it til then. I don't think the new protocol is working. I don't want to hear about how I won't know until he checks on Thursday because I'm right too often when it comes to what's going on in my own body. I don't think he'll cancel if it's not working, but I think he should because if we're assuming the problem is X, and we don't fix X, and we haven't changed anything else, then why would the problem go away? And I don't want that kind of responsibility and I just what someone to tell me what I have to do to get out of here or to be convinced that we're just playing a numbers game and not getting defeated by the same old things going wrong over and over again and fucking everything up to the point where we can't possibly win. And our little embryos are dying and I don't know how many more will have to die and when and how and why and if I can stand it. And I want to know if I can do it by myself. Because I don't know if I can. And it's getting worse. Everything is just... getting worse. And I don't know who can help me.

***Later That Same Day***
Er... I don't know if you guys have seen me flip out before, huh? Let me assure you that there's nothing to see here, everything's going on just the same as usual, just I happened to be left alone for a few hours and... well. You see what happens.

I'm going to leave it here.

The post, that is. I'm not going to delete it.

***Thursday Update***
I feel I owe you all an apology.

Because apparently - that is to say, so far, at least it seems - the new protocol kicks arse. That's right - arse. Er..kicks. Arse. You know.

But thankyou. I think I needed that. And I needed you.

***Saturday Update***

Because I'm kind of getting to like this post, and besides, it's only a quickie.

I ovulated. Day 16. Just like the good old (pre-IVF) days. Fucking A.

FET#4 Tuesday 12/9, 17 days til beta.


24 Comments

Jules said...

Every flip out, tear, out burst, makes us who we are.

Only we & others like us, understand the pain we go through.

There is only one thing we strive for. For others, it seems so silly.

For us it's our life.

A Big Hug from me to you.

Vee said...

Bea, I wish I could do something to help.

Like Jules says all this makes us who we are. Imagine if we held it all in, then we would go insane. Let it out.... have your outbursts have you flip outs, they are good for you.

Healthy mind, healthy body...something like that.

All the best for Thursday.

lola said...

Feel free to flip out as needed. I'm hoping your blood test goes well and that everything stays on track!!

lola

Meg said...

Yeah, nuthin but a flip out, I know all about them. We're lucky if we don't get caught in the act, I suppose. Alas, internet connections are just so accessable.

Love to you, Bea.

Meri-ann said...

Hug back at you- I have the flip outs fairly often during a cycle and it's a horrible place....

snowhite said...

Hey Bea,

It is really a wonder that we stay 'kind of sane'.

I agree with you on the game of numbers - I hate it! I hate that we are told that we have to sacrifice our embryos and our sanity in this game of pot-luck. I also feel that there has to be a more rational way of figuring out what is really happening.

This is were I don't really know what to say or how to help - I just wish there was some way I could lift this cage that has been put around us.

ellie said...

ha! we all have our moments. my last cycle I was on my neighbors sofa because I got sick and was convinced I was going to die. normally I can get sick and not assume that death is lingering arounf the corner- on ivf meds- all goes out the window. You are entitle to alittle release.

snowhite said...

Hey Bea,

Glad things are looking up.
What's the new protocol (if you don't mind)?

Meg said...

Bea... Ambiguity... please... clarify... ie. immediately.

Bea said...

Ok - yes. The details. Clarification. Alright.

So.

In the past I had mostly normal cycles. Then came IVF. Now I a) take 4 weeks to ovulate and b) start spotting/bleeding during the luteal phase, shortly after ovulation. The current theory is that b) happens because of a) (or perhaps some other reason as yet unknown which may or may not be diagnosable and/or treatable by hysteroscopy).

Last month we used a cautious OI protocol (cautious due to previous OHSS/family history breast cancer/my subsequent hormone drug paranoia) and more LP support. That sucked.

This cycle we are using a more aggressive OI protocol and still heaps of LP support.

The OI protocol is just FSH injections - no rocket science - started on day 8 and continuing until LH surge.

And... it seems to be working. I may ovulate as early as day 18. AND! I am only growing ONE FOLLICLE. Phew!

So... to clarify... things are going well. We may have fixed a). I am hopeful that fixing a) will fix/alleviate b). And if we can do that, who knows? We could get to c) or even (whisper it) d)*.

And then, Pinky, we will take over the world... mwahahahahaha...

Bea

*Provided all our embryos don't die in the thaw, like 2/3 of those thawed so far have done. But did I mention our SCSA is normal? NORMAL.

Bea said...

Oh... and in case I need to clarify the apology - I'm sorry for being a big, wet, purple arse who cries wolf.

But thankyou for your words of kindness anyway. I'll try to make it a real crisis next time.

Bea

Bea said...

Yes - actually, second thoughts, I'll just try not to have any more crisises. Crises. Thing.

Bea

Meg said...

Thank you! I hope it has indeed sorted everything out. That would be excellentay.

Lady S said...

glad to hear things are coming around...

The Town Criers said...

You never have to apologize for a vent. You just have to brush off your hands and say, "well...that...guess I proved them wrong." Glad to hear the protocol is working.

And I looooooooooooved your comment on my blog: so many bigots, so little time :-) I'm smelling t-shirt material for this Infertile Crusader.

StellaNova said...

Hey - I'm here. Sorry that I haven't been around for a while ... I have been too busy this week to even have time to write. And I'm really paying the price tonight.

I'm sorry you went through that meltdown ... and I'm glad everything is good again.

Thalia said...

Oh fantastic bea, that's wonderful news! How could you not write a new post to share that news with us!

Vee said...

Just catching up...

YAY that all is looking good !

snowhite said...

Great new Bea!

Keep the ball rolling.

Jules said...

I'm feeling the same nerves Bea. I can't believe we are having our FETs on the same day.

Sending you sticky vibes. Maybe we should borrow some bluetak or superglue from somewhere.

Mel said...

Goodluck tomorrow, will be thinking of you

Jules said...

Good Luck with ET tomorrow Bea.

It will be great to have you as a 2WW buddy.

Will be thinking of you

Jules xoxoxo

Vee said...

All the best for tomorrow Bea !
Fingercrossed this is it !!

Richard said...

Best of luck Bea.

Richard

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