I asked Mr Bea what his game was.

Yes, he knew about the pregnancy. Found out six months ago. His not mentioning it to me was, in his words, "One part tact, twelve parts cowardice." I asked him how many parts lack of forethought over the fact that I was going to find out sooner or later and the fickle hand of fate does not always have the sense of time and place that I expect from him.

But I hit the roof once, and I have calmed down. I think I've been waiting for that announcement all year. Common age gaps between siblings, you know. And I was preparing myself to spend the entire second and third trimesters sitting on the edge of my seat, thinking, "Surely... surely she can't get to point X in her pregnancy before ours even gets started." And then getting all upset when that did, in fact, happen. Suddenly, I find out it's done. I don't have to worry about it now. The race, you might say, is well and truly lost. I don't have to run it any more.

It also reminds me how much of my social life has gone. We last saw them in January. I was starting to get excited about my first round of injections. I was pissed off at them because they invited us around for a BBQ but asked me to leave my dog at home. So pissed off I petulantly refused to go to said BBQ and instead stayed home with the dog, thinking up lists of child-unfriendly places around town I could invite them to, just so I could feign disappointment when one or both of them had to decline on baby-sitting grounds. I blame the synarel. I'd snorted a couple of weeks worth by that stage. Maybe I should blame my innate childishness.

But mostly it gives me a guilty start, because of all the white lies I tell Mr Bea.

That I wasn't scared about the SCSA, because it's not the end of the world except I didn't know if I could do enough IVF cycles to have the child of a man whose DNA was unravelled and dishevelled and I was frightened about having to discuss donor sperm like it was something that applied to us immediately, because what if we couldn't decide or agree?

That I was looking forward to living in Singapore when I was also worried about all the uncertainties and IVF-related complications involved, and terrified of being on my own.

That I didn't think I was pregnant when, in fact, I did, because I didn't want to get his hopes up just to bring them crashing down.

That my blog is full of the kind of excerpts I send to him, and not the kinds of things I never let him read, because I don't want him to see me like this.

That I'm ok, and I believe I'm going to be ok, and I believe it will all be alright in the end...

So our language of love has become a language of little white lies. Life never used to be like this.


11 Comments

Carly said...

Oh Bea.
What a profound post.
I hope you can have a D&M with Mr Bea and sort through your feelings.
Sorry, I don't know what else to say.....

Lut C. said...

White lies are the grease that keeps a relationship running smoothly?
I keep my husband in the dark too much about how IF and ART is affecting me. He's fine with it, but sometimes it backfires on me. Like when I asked him to go to an IF couples counselling session with me (as in COUPLES only). He refused, just like that. I expected as much, but when he wouldn't be persuaded I livid. Couldn't he see how badly I needed it? No. I had to spell it out to him, plead and beg for him to change his mind. And I'm still not sure he's going to come.

StellaNova said...

Oh shit honey - I haven't checked for a few days and it's certainly been a chaotic time for you!! I hope you're ok - but it's perfectly understandable if you're not.

Pregnancy news is always awful ... but a birth? That's a hard one ... maybe the band-aid approach saved you months of pain. But maybe you'd like to have made that decision for yourself.

Protection is the foundation of most lies. Protection of yourself or of others. I have told loads of them to AB. Not to deceive him (although I am) but to protect him (and often myself). He doesn't even know I have this blog, although he knows I read them.

It's hard to make the calls sometimes ... and only sometimes we get it right.

Anonymous said...

DH used to do that to me all the time. He used to think that by keeping someones pregnancy from me that he was protecting me. But I just told him that it may upset me at first but I would rather know. I know he was trying to stop me from feeling sad and didn't want to upset me but to find I am the only one who didn't know upset me even more.
And its awful to get those emails unexpectedly.
Take care Bea

Anonymous said...

Bea, I keep reading your post but I don't know what to say. So just letting you know I am thinking of you and I hope you are doing ok.

A friend of mine told me she will be trying for number 2 soon. I was really annoyed because she started TTC at the same time of us and fell straight away. I am sure that this story doesn't make you feel any better, just to let you know I understand.

Take care

soralis said...

Thinking of you...

serenity said...

I wish I had words to make it all better for you and Mr. Bea.

This just all sucks. All of it. Every last bit. And it's not fair.

I am thinking of you.

lola said...

Oh Bea, I'm so sorry. Those emails are the absolute worst. I got one a week ago from my college roomate with photos of her brand new baby girl. I didn't even know she was pregnant because no one "wanted to upset me". Because getting unexpected baby photos over email is less upsetting, right?

Sometimes people - even our husbands - try and keep things from us that they think will make us sad, not realizing that it is worse to be blindsided. They are trying to protect us, in their own way, not knowing that it makes it worse for us in the end.

I am thinking of you!

Beagle said...

"Life never used to be like this"

Sadly, that sums it all up for me.

I'm so sorry, and I can relate. I hate knowing, feeling, that my husband is walking on eggshells and living in fear of the next life event of some other happy lucky soul, some bit of news that will send me even further into depression.

This is all so hard. Wishing you your own happy news soon.

steph said...

I think we can all relate in some way. Mine knows I have a blog but has not once read it. And I truly don't care that much because it's for me, not him.
I have come to realize that men are mostly problem solvers. Infertility is out of their control and I think it drives them nuts they cannot fix the problem. So they overcompensate in some way. I finally told my hubby if I could handle giving myself shots, getting gina jammed all the time, bad blood draws, mega medication, best friends having babies, and working as a CPS worker with tons of unwanted and abused children, then I could handle just about anything.
Not to say that's been the end of it, but it did give him pause~
We are strong. Stay strong. Say what you need to say, WE are listening. He might not know how....

steph said...

I think we can all relate in some way. Mine knows I have a blog but has not once read it. And I truly don't care that much because it's for me, not him.
I have come to realize that men are mostly problem solvers. Infertility is out of their control and I think it drives them nuts they cannot fix the problem. So they overcompensate in some way. I finally told my hubby if I could handle giving myself shots, getting gina jammed all the time, bad blood draws, mega medication, best friends having babies, and working as a CPS worker with tons of unwanted and abused children, then I could handle just about anything.
Not to say that's been the end of it, but it did give him pause~
We are strong. Stay strong. Say what you need to say, WE are listening. He might not know how....

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