I couldn't stop shaking. It started as soon as I entered the day surgery area, and continued for nearly an hour and a half, beyond the point the anaesthetist took my hand to look for a vein, and remarked, "Boy, you really are frightened."

"I think I'm just cold," I answered honestly. I certainly didn't feel frightened. I felt, kind of... numb. They brought me an extra blanket but the shivering continued. Then he gave me fentanyl, and it stopped.

As he made his preparations, he babbled on about the ring structures of various opioids, the logistics involved in anaesthetising patients for open-heart surgery, and the importance of not insisting you were allergy-free to the first four people who asked you and then, after getting a dose of intravenous kefzol, suddenly remarking that actually you are allergic to something, come to think of it, and it might have been an antibiotic, anyway all you can remember is you nearly died - which a patient had done to him on the previous day. Lastly, he told me it would be ok because this had happened to him and his wife and now they had an eighteen-year-old son and a seventeen-year-old daughter. I was about to make some sardonic remark about how few embryo transfers it must have taken for number two, but the next thing I remember is waking up, and it was all over, and I wasn't shaking any more.

I bled a little in recovery. It was like a heavy period at first, but lightened within a few hours. They gave me pain killers, which I considered taking, but the pain was never worse than menstrual pain and today I feel almost fine. Towards the end of my recovery I sent Mr Bea out for chocolates and a card. Since that first beta - gosh was it only in March? - the staff have been very kind. And it's good, once in a while, to encourage goodness in others.

---
Speaking of which, don't forget to encourage Mel as she Walks America in support of the March of Dimes.


30 Comments

The Town Criers said...

There really aren't words that can help on a day like today. But know that we're thinking about you two and sending good thoughts to you. I'm so sorry, Bea.

Adrienne said...

Oh, Bea. I don't know what to say. Just let Mr. Bea take care of you and know what we are with you virtually.

Aurelia said...

Fentanyl, painkillers and chocolate...mmmmmmmm

Take more, sleep, rest, heal.

XX

millie said...

Thinking of you so very much.

Hope you have lots and lots of good chocolates.

Vee said...

Glad you are doing ok Bea.
Take care

Bea said...

Just want to clarify that the chocolates were for the staff. I did get the fentanyl though, and will be resting up over the next few days. Thanks guys.

Bea

Baby Blues said...

Anesthesiologists rocks! Sometimes we have to be reminded that what we say or do in front of a very anxious patients makes a difference. Simply holding their hand and reassuring them helps a lot. We're not just the legal "drug pushers", it's how we reach out to the patient that is well remembered.

Take time to rest and heal. Get well soon.

I'd grab the chocolates from the staff! I think I'll be needing it more. But I'd take opioids over chocolate anytime. :-)

KarenO said...

Thinking of you so much. Take care of yourself!

Beagle said...

If you have to endure this heartache at all, then let it be with Fentanyl and chocolate.

Thinking of you both.

Tam said...

Hi Bea, you don't know me but I want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I am so sorry for your loss.

Take care xxx

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Bea, I'm thinking of you and Mr. Bea. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this and I'm sending good thoughts your way.

GLouise said...

Thinking of you dear Bea. I am so sorry.

Rachel Inbar said...

Chocolates for the staff? I can't imagine how you could be thinking of them at a time like this...

I stayed in a daze for a few days after my d&c, though the only pain I had was emotional.

Thinking of you :-)

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am so very sorry Bea. Thinking of you and Mr. Bea. Take care.

Krista said...

Thinking of you and admiring your strength to give away those chocolates, I totally would have ate them. So sorry Bea.

Samantha said...

It's so sweet of you to think of the staff through all of your ordeal. Now have Mr. Bea buy you some chocolates too!

Reproductive Jeans said...

Thinking about you today...just sending you lots of hugs. Get lots of rest...

Jess said...

Glad you made it through, but so sorry you had to go through it in the furst place.

Jason and Samantha said...

(hugs) Take care of yourself. I'm so sorry!

Karaoke Diva said...

Glad to hear that the procedure went well, all things considered. Keep those prescription painkillers on hand. I never needed them for the pain, either, but they were very helpful in shutting off my brain so I could sleep. And sometimes that's what you need most.

Sunny Jenny said...

Bea, I really admire your strength. If I ever have to walk down that road I want you to know you've been an encouragement to me. Thank you for sharing.

Lut C. said...

Such a profoundly sad day. I wish you both lots of strength.

SusanG said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Chocolate therapy sounds like a fabulous way to go!

Chris said...

I'm so sorry. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

The staff doesn't need chocolates as much as you do.

Take good care of yourself. Hopefully this procedure will help you to grieve and then move on.

You will be in my thoughts.

My Reality said...

I wish you were closer - I would bring you chocolates and a card.

I am so sorry, Bea.

Cibele said...

I am sorry! just wnat to send my suppot

ellie said...

Oh, Bea. I just caught up. This just plain sucks and all I can say is I am crying with you. My heart is with you and Mr. Bea.

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry :( Hope you are resting and recovering ok.

Thalia said...

Bea, I'm so sorry that I didn't already comment on this. I think it was because I read it first on blackberry, and cant' comment via that.

Second, I wanted to say how sorry I was to see that your pregnancy ended. I know you were expecting it, but it's just awful to have to go through it. I remember crying every time someone spoke to me the day of my ERPC.

I also wanted to offer two practical points: 1, as my doctor said, your hormones will really crash, sometime about now, and you will really feel it. I felt ok for about 3 days, then just couldn't move for misery a day later. Do give yourself the time and space.

2. I felt ok immediately afterwards, but had horrible cramps about a week later, which landed me in the emergency room. Nothing was wrong, but it hurt like hell andI didn't have enough good painkillers to deal with it. Do ask for more drugs if you need them.

3. Kath was incredibly helpful at the time, and offered me the suggestion to just let myself be miserable for some defined period each day. It's too scary to just let yourself go without knowing how it will end, so we tend to stop ourselves, which can be counter productive. So she suggested giving it a defined time so it wouldn't feel so scary to just be really sad for a while.

Dunno if any of that helps you. Thinking of you.

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