I remember it happened last year. I hit a point where participating in blogland lost its charm. It was also heading towards mid-year, also just after our first transfer. The feeling went away again. Just wanted you to know my decreased commenting isn't all personal, like, and I'm still trying to keep up with everyone.

Finally, here's a post I didn't publish last Sunday morning (the 29th of April). It pretty much marks rock bottom for this cycle. The moment has since passed, but this record doesn't feel complete without it.


When I'm not sleeping properly I have fascinatingly vivid dreams, often with quite clear narratives. I have just woken up from one in which we brought home a healthy, adopted child who afterwards sickened and, after a long period of traipsing around to various specialists, died. The doctor who came to speak with us about the death was angry. He listed off a whole catalogue of the losses we had experienced since starting out on this quest for children, including pets (our dog, who is still not well, was on the Dead Pets List), possessions, immaterial things, and a total of eight lost pregnancies, and asked us how we could possibly have escaped the fact that we were cursed. And given that we were so clearly cursed, how could our consciences have let us bring this innocent child into our care, to suffer and die? He then stormed off with the parting comment that in future, if we had to kill children, we'd better stick to our "own" unborn.

There was some random dream-noise in here, which I'll edit out, except to say we decided to see a practitioner of the dark arts. Suddenly we found ourselves in a Buddhist temple, talking to an African witchdoctor with an upper-crust English accent and an ornament of woven, dried grass through his nose. He said he could do nothing to cure us, although a significant number of couples saw the curse spontaneously lift. In the meantime, he advised me against touching babies or pregnant women, as that could cause them to become sick or miscarry.

In order to monitor the curse he provided a cageful of mice which, he explained, were relatively immune by reason of their rapid metabolism. We were to care for the mice carefully, noting birth and death rates, and when these had improved into the normal range he would move us onto cats, although he cautioned that many infertile people were never able to progress beyond cats.

I woke up wanting to be sick.


The pattern seems so familiar. I find myself slightly relieved because I think I may have hit bottom - not that I want to jinx myself. With daylight comes a sudden, life-affirming belief that I am currently at the lowliest place I'm going to be for at least a couple of months. It's a place I might revisit several times over that period but I think, perhaps, it will get no worse and it seems I can survive.

The ill-timed pregnancy announcement hit me particularly hard last week. She was my STAR. I was expecting the announcement and ready to be happy for her in the usual mixed-feelings way, but I was not ready for her to fuck up telling us so badly. I feel desperately alone this weekend. My real-life support network seems suddenly, frighteningly small. If I can't rely on my STAR, who is left?

I feel seedy, as if I'm hung over. I get daily headaches and frequent nausea. Logical Bea, in some weird, detached way, is forcing me to eat even though food seems repulsive. It's very comforting - I know The Beas will get me through. Mr Bea thinks I'm physically ill and is asking if I need to see a doctor. It all sounds terribly alarming when I write it down, and the truth is I'm not ok, but I know I'm going to be. I know all I have to do is endure. It's a little more intense than usual, but at the same time so familiar. Now the darkness, but after this, the light.


MLO said...

Ok, you are NOT cursed.

But, if you feel like you are cursed, here is what any practitioner would tell you to do:

--- put sea salt or kosher salt around all openings in your house. (Salt purifies)
--- burn sage.
--- beat a drum loudly while going through your house saying you rebuke the evil set upon you and send it back from whence it came - if you are a Christian, invoke the Lord's name and power.
--- If you are Christian, plead the Lord's power. I don't know what non-Christians would do.

Though it may be just psychosomatic, it might make you feel better.



No, I'm not insane, I just have studied the traditions of many cultures and they ALL do the above.

Bea said...

When you say "beat a drum" does "playing thrashy music loudly" count?

P.S. Thanks for the tips.


Bumble said...

Hey Bea, I'm glad that feeling has passed now, it couldn't have been too pleasant. You're not cursed, you've just had a terrible time of it and these are obviously some of your deepest and darkest fears and worries emerging. I promise you, you aren't cursed... But I hope you're BLESSED one day very soon. x

Adrienne said...

Happy for you that the moment has passed, and hopeful that you don't visit that point again.

You are not cursed, although I understand why you feel that way. There is no rhyme or reason to any of this and an arbitrary and magical thing is as good an answer to why as any, and may be easier to accept. It's hard to be satisfied with no reason at all. But that may be all it is. It's like staring into the void, isn't it?

I hope your STAR recovers herself. Even STARs have bad days, and it sounds as if she means much to you.

Have a peaceful week, Bea.

Vee said...

Oh Bea that dream is horrid.

We do seem to live in cycles the first cycle always the darkest but we learn we can come out it and that there will be light. I am glad you can see the light.

As for being cursed, I hope not !
But I do know how you feel, I wrote a post about it, il Malocchio a while back and I am still convince I am.

I may take mlo's advice too. We have plenty of drums in our house, ready to make lots of noise. Will it work if I do it for you as well, I wonder ?

Take care

Rachel Inbar said...

I'm so glad you know it's rock bottom and that it only gets better from there.

I took a university course about dreams recently and, if I had to sum it up in a sentence, my conclusion is that dreams are a place where all the brain's dirty laundry goes. Everything that we see, experience, consider (consciously & subconsciously), etc. gets rolled in together... Hopefully, you wake up refreshed, with the feeling that the laundry's done...

I wish I knew what to wish you now...

Patience said...

What an upsetting dream Bea....

I, too, feel cursed - and can't help but wonder what kind of karma all this must be??

DG said...

I hope you can begin the long climb back to the light.


Baby Blues said...

Horrible dream! I'm glad you're feeling better. Happy thoughts before bedtime ok.

I believe in karma. So if we do good, maybe this bad stuff will be neutralized somehow. Your good karma is on its way Bea. I just know it.

The Momcaster said...

what a dream! i've been having some pretty insane ones myself lately.
hope you're feeling better.

TeamWinks said...

I HATE INFERTILITY. I hate everything about it. I especially hate how it makes us women feel. It's not right that a woman such as yourself feel this way. Your too amazing to feel that you are cursed. Hmmm...I guess I need to go and get you a drum, eh?

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

What an awful dream.

I am so glad that feeling has passed and things are looking up. I sort of feel cursed too. Maybe I will take some of MLOs advice. I wonder if anyone has a drum that I could borrow...

MLO said...

Anything that is loud and you pound will work. The idea is that the loud noises drive the evil spirits away. Bells also work - and can be much more pleasant sounding. It just needs to be a percussive instrument.

Most of these practices are simply means to focus "faith" (I put it in quotes since I know people from all kinds of "faith" backgrounds suffer from this awful affliction.)



Beagle said...

Oh Bea, I can only imagine that I know how you feel. I am waiting for the light too.

What a distressing dream! Hopefully the telling of it here was a purging of sorts in a way.

Aurelia said...

There is no such thing as being cursed. In ANY mainstream religion, including Christianity.

You are not cursed, human beings, aka Drs. have failed you. I do agree with the pp who said that dreams are where the leftover dirty laundry goes. And I think you have some in there.

You do not deserve any of this. You aren't your infertiity, and I hope you know that this is not your fault.

As for the ill feeling, while it may be grief, if it continues, please see a Doc and make them check you out, just in case.

Matthew M. F. Miller said...

Moments like that are so painful, and I'm so happy you've found your way out.

Sadly, these moments won't go away, but if you can learn from them, and learn how to deal with them, each time they will get a little shorter in duration. They will never get easier, but brevity can be success.

Thinking of you...

MLO said...

Zee, First, I am not ascribing a curse / spiritual attack here. I think this was just a dream where you were trying to come to terms with feelings of despair.

Aurelia, technically you are right - however, each of the major, mainstream Christian religions I am well-versed in do ascribe to the idea of Spiritual Attack. And, let's face it, mankind is a rather superstitious lot.

You might be surprised how similar the advice would be if you corner your minister/priest/rabbi/imam about this - or the elder women you know. The variations would be religion specific, but pretty much the same. Salt is always an ingredient - even in holy water (which has oil in it as well). Sage might be a specific incense specific to your ethnic/relgious group. The drum might turn into bells or specific prayers being chanted.

I in no way ascribe an actual curse here, but, sometimes if you do something it just helps bring you back to your center. I know that dream would disturb me.

Zee, you just have to know that no one can curse you. Life is, unfortunately, just life - and sometimes it sucks.

I always reread the Book of Job when I start feeling sorry for myself. I figure that if a righteous man as Job was described can have that much bad stuff happen to him, who am I to object what comes to me? And, at least I am not expected to take on the sins of the world! (It may seem I'm being flippant, but I'm not.)



megan said...

i'm glad you can see some light ahead. it can SO be hard to see it sometimes... the dream you describe is so vividly disturbing. i'm glad you feel you are moving forward. sorry to hear about your star...hopefully she comes around and starts being more sensitive soon.

Lut C. said...

Another blogger has just posted about feeling cursed. http://infertilitysux.blogspot.com/2007/05/xematiasma.html

I can imagine how blogland would lose it's charm. It's like participating in a succession of drawing straws.
Drawing the short straw of IF in the first place is painful enough, but repeatedly drawing the short straw among infertiles is heartbreaking, even when it's no one's fault. I'm sorry for your losses.

Samantha said...

I'm sorry you've hit rock bottom, I can only hope you will continue to climb up out of it. Your dream sounds terrible. Please take care of yourself and blog or not blog as you need to.

The Town Criers said...

Not glad that you had the dream, but glad that you posted it. You're right--it is part of the record sort of in the same way that the photograph you didn't want to take months ago is part of the record too.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Oh Bea, I am so sorry about that dream. I hate waking up from those types of dreams. I seem to have them in waves, when things are weighing particularly heavy on my mind. You will see the light, I know you will!

Jess said...

One day at a time. You are going to be ok, you are right.

Praying and hoping that ok comes soon.

MLO said...

Bea, I have no idea why I called you Zee???? Perhaps fighting with WordPress till 2:00 AM Eastern had something to do with it. Apologies!

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

OMG!! You are going through so much. And that dream suggests that you blame yourself for everything that has happened to you. Bea, it breaks my heart. You are a wonderful person who certainly does not deserve this.

Have you considered seeing a therapist? It sounds like you could use some help getting out of that depressed hole that you are in.

You will be in my thoughts!

Sunny said...

All of this just totally sucks. There are no words to help you feel better. It just sucks sucks sucks.

I have felt the support system getting smaller in my life. It just stinks.

HUGS! Sorry I have nothing cheery for you. I know what that rock bottom feels like.

ak1908 said...

Your post brought me to instant tears. I wish I had something witty or comforting to say, but I don't. All I can say is that IF sucks. You are a trooper beyond my own understanding. I am glad that the dream, rather nightmare, is over. Or is it? I guess the nightmare of IF doesn't ever end, even when we get to experience those brief moments of bliss. Please know that you have really been in my thoughts and prayers lately. I'm. simply. sorry!


Piccinigirl said...

you're not cursed. Not at all.

I just hope that your journey out to the light is a short one, one that filled with peace and sense of trying again.

I am so sorry that you are going through this but I do hope that light is shining very bright and leading you back.

Carol said...

It's a very sad dream. But probably not so far off from what so many of us have felt at our lowest points - your subconcious is just a little better at articulating these feelings. But I think it has articulated something that is very normal to feel when you've been through so much pain.

Depression can make you feel physically ill. I think this is normal, and what you are feeling is normal.

I know you're not ok. But you are right - you will be ok. You will.

Changing Expectations said...

Dreams are so vivid sometimes. That one was a doooosey! I hope that you are feeling better and that only good dreams show up from here on out!

Reproductive Jeans said...

Thinking of you cause I KNOW that your good karma is just around the corner....

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