There's an art to writing a good thriller. I say this as someone who's read and/or watched a handful or so in their lifetime. The trick is to strike a balance between tension and relief - if you ramp up the tension too relentlessly something will snap, and your audience will lose interest and walk away. The skilled writer will strain people's nerves to a certain, carefully calculated extent, and then provide a "false dawn" - an unexpected or even comedic interlude during which things finally seem, on the surface, to be resolving. At the same time the writer must cultivate an unsettling impression that the worst is yet to come. When this sense of foreboding has had sufficient time to grow, the final, terrifying act can begin. By this time, the audience has been lead and mislead enough times that they have lost all sense of control and can only watch, horrified, as the scenes unfold before them, wanting but unable to look away.

My beta doubling time has improved. It is now an only-slightly-less-than-normal 55 hours (reduced from 96, for those who've lost count). I feel I may have given a false impression of the odds we're facing by not supplying the actual beta figures from the first two tests. We are not, you see, only slightly behind the bell curve. The first beta, at 16dpo, was 23.8. The second, at 18dpo, was 36.0. And today's, at 24dpo, is 226.0. Still, SOB seemed greatly heartened by this and was grinning broadly from ear to ear when I walked in to see him.

Then I told him about the spotting. It's very slight, but it is pink rather than brown. His face fell, and he asked me if I had any pain.

"That depends. Do you mean, for example, am I waking at 4am having dreamt I'm in labour to find my uterus has clenched itself into an angry, angry ball which provokes much restless pacing about the bathroom, and sitting on and rising up from the toilet until the sensation of needing to go, the sweating, and the nausea resolves itself and I can go back to sleep, only to find small tinges of blood on the toilet paper when I wake several hours later? Because if you do, then yes."

"Do you want to do a scan?"

"Will it help?"

"Probably not."

"Will it hurt?"

"Probably not," he repeated, although this time he put the emphasis on "probably" rather than "not". "Why don't we hold off til next week?"

"Sounds grand."

"In the meantime I want you to take a couple of progesterone tablets a day, in addition to the two crin.ones and low dose aspirin." Considering my P4 is already an amazingly good 150, why the hell not?

I buy more prenatal vitamins. I advise FS of the latest results. I cancel the shifts I'd lined up for FET#6. And I wait. For my scan at 6w3d (next Friday), or whatever might happen to upset the plan between now and then.

Don't look away yet. The final act is yet to come. And I need all the hoping and praying.


28 Comments

Vee said...

I am not a big fan of thrillers...

Believe me I am hoping and praying for you.

Stick little one and hold on tight.
Please.

Adrienne said...

Stick, stick, stick! You can do it, little embie that could, you can do it.

Jules said...

Wishing, hoping, thinking & praying for you Bea.

Millie said...

I'm hoping so hard for you. I usually like thrillers but not when it's this topic.

Patience said...

Holy shit- I'm a mess just reading this so I hate to imagine how you're faring. At least when you read a thriller, you can quickly flick to the end if you feel overly anxious and know that everything is ok. And fuck, I hope that everything is ok.... x

Mel said...

I am so hoping and praying Bea. I have DH crossing everything for you as well as the dog and cat (I crossed their paws for ya)
You will be in my prayers, I swear I will pray everynight that this is a happy ending for you.
take care
Mel

Mands said...

Aw, Bea. I am hoping and praying that this one sticks.
There's nothing more I can say to comfort you, except that I am rooting for you and your little embie.
Stranger things have happened, don't give up.

My Reality said...

This suspense is torture for your readers. I can only imagine what it is like to live it.

I really hope this little one can hang in there. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers that it does.

Baby Blues said...

The suspense is palpably unbearable! I've got my hands over my eyes reading your post.

I am so hoping this ends with a happy ending.

Samantha said...

We'll be sticking with you, to send you go vibes. Usually in suspense novels, things turn out well in the end, right?

aah0424 said...

Oh you bet I'm hoping and praying right now. Hopefully this thrilled will have a good ending that you can tell your child and a story of inspiration for others one day!

sharah said...

Hoping, hoping, hoping.

serenity said...

Oh Bea. I like FICTION thrillers... this... not so much.

I am holding my breath and hoping with everything I've got that this turns into the miracle you deserve.

Love and hugs and hoping like mad.

The Town Criers said...

I'm still hoping and praying for you. Oh, Bea...I just wish one thing could be easy. Stick and grow little embie.

Ellen K. said...

I am hoping and praying with all my might. Hang in there. That goes for you as well as your embie.

GLouise said...

Hoping and praying over here, too. Thinking of you,

carrie said...

Oh, Bea, I am hoping so much that everything continues to improve with this pregnancy and am praying for you and Mr. Bea and the embie. Hang tight.

Sarah said...

wow, our heroine is BRAVE for declining the scan. and brave heroines always seem to beat the odds, right?

Beagle said...

I would SO love for you to come out of this one beaming urban legend!

I am hoping, hoping, hoping!

That said, you amaze me. I might be a big puddle panic if I had to endure that much suspense.

Hang in there.

Carol said...

Oh wow, this has turned into quite the roller coaster. I too am really hoping for the best for you. I probably woulnd't have been able to turn down the scan - but it is too early to really give you an answer, so I guess it's good you're waiting.

You have a lot of people hoping for you. Add me to that list.

Hopeful Mother said...

I usually love suspense - in movies, books, TV shows. But not in this case - here, I'd really just like a plain old happy ending for you, Bea. Don't need the drama, and I'm sure you don't either.

Lut C. said...

What a nailbiter this is turning out to be. :-/
Of course, I'm only too glad to sacrifice my nails if that is what it takes.

Thinking of you, hoping for you.

Meg said...

Bea- I can't imagine how stressful this must be for you... Am hoping hard. That doubling time is good news.

Bumble said...

Oh Bea, I'm really pulling for you hun. I so want this little one to stick. I wish you didn't have to go through all this uncertainty. Im thinking of you and praying for you!

steph said...

Damn. What a freakin roller coaster you got on. Lets hope all these 100 ft drops lead to a nice coast into a happy end....

Mrs FP said...

Oh Bea!! Hoping and praying for you that you get your long awaited happy ending. Try and stay sane.

Aurelia said...

I'm hoping for you...I'm not sure what else to say at this point.

XX

Rachel Inbar said...

Bea...

I had almost exactly the same thing, even the numbers are nearly identical. I know, from research that I did at the time, that it *can* work out and I hope that it will for you. I wish you a lot of patience and I'm praying for you.

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