I think I'm going to make it, but at times it's pretty touch and go*. Take Tuesday. Everything I tried to do came up against some kind of obstacle. By the end of the day, I was on the phone to Mr Bea asking if he'd mind pizza delivery for dinner. Then a few minutes later I was on the phone to him again, this time in floods of tears because the pizza guy doesn't deliver to our area. I can't even order a fucking pizza, I was saying. I might as well curl into a ball and die.

The feeling of complete and utter despair lasted well into Wednesday morning. It was Maternal Bea who finally stepped in. "Alright, that's enough now," she said in tones which brooked no argument. "You've had your cry, now it's time to buck up."

"Most of these problems are very manageable," Inner Therapist Bea added. "You already have a mental list of them - all you need to do is arrange them in order from easiest to hardest and start at the top, focussing on one at a time." By Wednesday evening I had made some headway, and I was beginning to look at item seven - weekly good deed.

Being the week of the International Infertility Film Festival, it seemed like a good time to bang the freedom of expression drum. I signed the Amnesty International Campaign for online freedom of expression here, and for what it's worth I bring you this little snippet of formerly repressed content:




Now doesn't that make the world feel a little better already?

As for items eight and nine (Figure out what to do in the overwhelmingly likely event this pregnancy goes to shit and Stop this pregnancy going to shit) well, they remain beyond my capabilities. Luckily, when I woke up this morning, I found I had new tasks to tackle - simple ones which I added to the top of my list with a sigh of relief. Hopefully I won't get down to those other things for another week and a bit.

---
*I have repeatedly decided not to bring the appointment forward a week. I find turning up to appointments highly stressful - mainly because I always expect to be told it's over. And yet, that's not what happens. Instead I get told it's not looking either as good or as bad as it could do, and to come back next time for an answer. The short period of partial relief is not worth the crash I get a few days later when it evaporates suddenly. I think, on balance, it's better to wait it out til we can know.


23 Comments

Baby Blues said...

You're right, it's beyond our capabilitis and it's just better to wait it out. I'm waiting here with you, just keeping you company.

Preoccupy Bea. Preoccupy. :-) The Intl. IF Film Fest should be keeping you busy.

As for the pizza guy, he just lost a big tip! Their pizza probably doesn't taste good anyway. Hmph. It's their lost, they just lost a good customer. Maybe there's another pizze place nearby.

Sending you hugs during your wait. Hoping for good news. Hang in there.

The Town Criers said...

I think it's a sound philosophy. Hope the time passes quickly until you can have an answer. And hopefully have that answer be good news.

Bumble said...

I know waiting is hard but at the end, at least you'll hopefully get an answer that will free you from your limbo state - in the best possible way. Waiting with you Bea...

Anna said...

The waiting is hard. I think it's completely normal to cry over not getting a pizza you wanted.

I'm still hoping that the impossible happens and this pregnancy continues. But the wait can be the hardest thing you have ever done. It's not fun to hear that yes, you are pregnant but it does not look quite right. In fact I can feel the knot in my guts as I'm typing this.

But there is nothing you can do about it but wait. And that's the hard part.

RTTguapa said...

isn't it nice to just KNOW - yes or no, this or that, black or white...
well, keep busy, TRY to relinquish control (because in IF we don't have a lot of control to begin with).
here's hoping you move out of limbo soon - with good news to take it's place.

Mands said...

At least you cried for pizza. This morning I cried for nothing. Hang in there Bea, I am hoping your appointment ends with tears of joy.

Vee said...

I have a good feeling about this, and I reckon you are going to make it.

Just make sure there is always something on that list.

Sarah said...

sounds like your inner selves are doing a great job managing the wait. and i personally find it very liberating to tell myself "this is beyond my control. it either will or will not be, and it's out of my hands. now where's my effing pizza!!"

Patience said...

For what it's worth- I'd do the same as you. Nothing can change what cannot be changed....

Samantha said...

I wish there was a way to make the weight easier for you, but as you said, trying to shorten the weight won't be helpful in this case. I hope you're hanging in there okay.

I'm looking forward to the IIFF. I can't say I've figured out any ideas, but I'm really glad you're organizing it and will enjoy all of the entries.

carrie said...

It definitely sounds like you're taking care of yourself - pizza, inner dialogues, etc. I am impressed with your task list prioritizing and getting things taken care of. I too can't wait for the film festival - thank you so so much for organizing it.

andrea_jennine said...

Hang in there.

TeamWinks said...

You are handling all of this with grace. I'm certain that it doesn't feel that way, but from where I sit...you truly are!

serenity said...

*hug*

Waiting it out is a good decision, I think, particularly if it minimises the stress, a little of it at least.

I have no words to convey just how much I am hoping this will work out, Bea.

Piccinigirl said...

waiting with you for good news. I know the waiting part is very hard but I think that once you have an answser the wait will be worth it. I can only HOPE with you that it is.

thinking of you....

Hopeful Mother said...

I'm SO hoping that your wait will have the "resolution" we all want so badly for you.

I would have cried over the pizza, too.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I too hope that the time passes quickly, and that the outcome only brings happiness. Hang in there.

Lut C. said...

No pizza? NO PIZZA! That's outrageous, and I'm very serious.

Freedom of expression, fine, but what does the snippet say???

JenderBender said...

Hi Bea!
I found your site through someone else, but wanted to say Good Luck with everything. I hope that you get awesome news at your next U/S, I'll be thinking of you! I also hope that the wait won't be too agonizing... :)

Jen

Watson said...

Take care dear.

I'm thinking of you!

xoxo

My Reality said...

If you called Mr. Bea to se if he wanted pizza and then called him back to tell him it couldn't be delivered, it would be safe to assume he was not at home, right?

Why didn't he offer to pick it up? Why Mr. Bea, why?

Bea said...

He did pick it up, MR. Bless his cotton socks. But for fuck's sake, why does everything have to be just a little bit harder than it should be?

Bea

steph said...

Maybe the pizza dilema was a short little diversion clerverly planned by the powers that be. Or maybe not. Maybe it all just stinks and the pizza was the topping (say what??)
My point is I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope things turn out different then you're expecting. You've obviously got a lot of support out here~

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