Our relatives can count. They've started asking probing questions, which range from the rather direct, "Any news yet?" to the slightly more roundabout, "Do you have a travel date for your next trip?" to a basic and ambiguous, "How are you?" of the kind where you can hear the eyebrows waggling down the phone. We say we don't know anything yet. It's true.

We've thought about telling them what's going on. I did tell my mother about our initial positive for FET#1. Her responses were 1) an excited awe at the wonder of modern medicine ("Isn't it amazing they can tell the outcome of a pregnancy so early?") 2) what she referred to as "disappointment" ("You must be disappointed - I am too - but there's always next time...") and 3) a helpful entreaty to look on the bright side and count my blessings ("Well, you're much better off than a lot of people with your problem. At least you know you can get pregnant. And in any case - this result might still work out!"). Her summarising statement was, "Never mind." None of these were helpful enough to make me want to keep her up to date from there on in.

They come from a world where you're either pregnant, or you're not. Pregnancy loss is an isolated tragedy which doesn't happen all that often anyway*, and the really early ones don't count. They're not up to date with the details of our history - I'd have this whole backstory to fill in. And there's still a small but real possibility of something more sinister like an ectopic. On the one hand, I don't want to get angry with them because they're not taking it seriously enough, and on the other hand I don't want to have to soothe my mother out of a state of panic. And I don't want to have to cry and wail and become dramatic in order to get my point across.

They may be dying to know, but it's better for us all if we keep them in limbo. At least til things get slightly less ambiguous.

---
*Perhaps that's unfair. My mother does know plenty of people who've had miscarriages - even recurrent miscarriages - so she knows these things do happen. She just doesn't expect them to happen, certainly not to anyone in her family.


19 Comments

My Reality said...

I hope you are out of limbo soon.

Vee said...

Good idea, it can add to the stress that your really don't need at the moment.
I hope you get to tell soon.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Those (like our parents) who come from another time when infertility wasn't quite some well understood are only bound to ask some out-of-left field questions...educating someone new to the nuance is a lot to take on when you have your own well being to look out for...

Mands said...

I am also often flabbergasted at the simplistic way that "other" people see the problem of IF. I often have to take myself back to a time where I was as ignorant, in order not to hold it against them.

Patience said...

Oh Bea, I hope that soon this will be behind you - but of course only in a good way x

Samantha said...

I wonder if it's also a generational difference. Advances in reproductive technology and monitoring in the last 30 years have made it so much easier to detect early pregnancy. I think sometimes people just can't get their mind around it.

My mother expressed disbelief about the accuracy of home pregnancy tests and even the blood beta test. She always brings up her situation with me, where she went to the doctor after she was two weeks late and having pregnancy symtoms, but at the doctor's office they told her test was negative. And look, she says, I had you! Great mom, but... when my test is negative, it means negative!

I really hope the things work out.

serenity said...

You're being honest when you say "we don't know." It's the right answer for now.

I too hope you're out of limbo soon.

*hug*

Sarah said...

it's so hard to know where to draw the line sometimes. i decided to invite my mom to read my blog rather than have to answer endless questions about how it's going. particularly i thought it would be easier to let people read any bad news this way when i don't feel like talking about it. of course now i wish i had a whole 'nother blog where i could say the things i don't feel like sharing with them. you're approach sounds perfect.

Lut C. said...

Oh yes, dealing with the outside world. Limbo is good, they don't need to know.

Watson said...

I thought period limbo (or 'plimbo' as I like to call it) was bad, but pregnancy limbo must be 1000 times worse...

thinking of you, and hoping for the best

:-)

Bumble said...

You guys keep it to yourselves for as long as you need to, but I hope very soon you can burst out with great news for everyone. I hope you get some answers soon. x

Aunt Sassy said...

Bea--
just found your blog...
It is so hard to know when, and how much to tell people. They never really get it, do they? I didn't before i started on this nasty rollercoaster myself. Fingers crossed for you!

TeamWinks said...

Limbo is a tough place to be. I'm hoping for you to make it to a deleriously happy place soon!

I'm pulling for you Bea.

Piccinigirl said...

I am just holding out hope for you, crossing my body into all kinds of pretzels that the news is good , very very good.

Manuela said...

Ssiiiigh... if only we could somehow do some sort of Vulcan mind-meld thing so they would just GET it!

Nica said...

I want to up my bet.

(good luck. Praying for you)

Millie said...

Civilians just don't get limbo. And just how much it truly sucks.

I hope you're out of limbo soon. For now, you guys do what you need to survive.

Watson said...

Hi,

Me again! I e-mailed you from my hotmail account, which hopefully you got re: the film fest and the YouTube stuff.

In the meantime, I hope everything is okay with you and you Mr. Bea!!

:-)

The Town Criers said...

As Vee says, like you need more stress right now? Hang in there, Bea. I hope you get good news soon.

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