Over the weekend my symptoms increased. I got some nice fertile cervical mucous, stand-out veins around the nipples and even a little bit of "evening sickness" with honest-to-goodness retching. "Maybe this time it won't be a chemical pregnancy!" I started to think, with relief. "Maybe it'll be a first-trimester miscarriage or even an ectopic*!"

You don't need to lecture me about how fucked up that line of thinking is. Those who've had ectopics, in particular, can remove their hands from in front of their horrified faces. It's just that... well. It would add variety, at least, wouldn't it?

I don't want to play the Pain Olympics, but a little voice inside me is saying, with a certain amount of undeniable logic, that if our five transfers had got us two negatives, a chemical pregnancy, a blighted ovum and an ectopic, obviously that would be horribly, tragically unlucky. I'd be feeling really, woefully sorry for myself - provided I survived the ectopic at all - and rightly so. But sooner or later I'd be able to say, "It can't go on like this forever. I can get pregnant, in the right place, with the right embryo. It's worth trying again in case, one day, all those things happen in the same cycle." As it is, our five transfers have got us four low positive betas - all within an alarmingly narrow range - and no-one can say why. I can't seem to convince myself it won't go on like this forever.

FS says it's our embryos. OHSS can damage embryos, causing higher rates of biochemical pregnancy loss. We should keep trying embryos til we find the right one. Of course, there are studies to back this up. However, SOB flatly disagrees. Repeated biochemical loss is all about the environment, he says, and the next step is an endometrial biopsy. He, also, has studies to back this up.

I email a fellow Stirrup Queen I know who's had eight chemical pregnancies and two miscarriages. Her losses are "unexplained". Sydney IVF Miscarriage Management Unit assures couples that unexplained is good - a couple with this diagnosis has almost as much chance of carrying their next pregnancy safely to term as any other couple, as if having many consecutive losses can come down to "plain bad luck". After much diagnostic work, followed by much random trying of this or that, the aforementioned Queen finds herself six weeks pregnant again - this time on "empirical" steroid treatment. Her first scan is Wednesday. I can't believe how much I'm hoping this one works for her.

You see, my symptoms have disappeared again. And I need something to convince me it might be different one day.

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*Sadly it occurred to me only once, and fleetingly, to hope for an actual, live birth.

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***Update***
I know it's not my news, but... there's a heartbeat, and everything looks normal. I have rarely been as happy about someone else's pregnancy.


24 Comments

Thalia said...

I wish there was an explanation, it is utterly un-human to keep trying to walk forwards with no explanation of what's happened and what might happen again.

I am still hopeful for you, just a little tiny bit, because I know that the signs aren't good but I also know that at some point they might just align in the right direction.

serenity said...

Bea - as it turns out, the science in getting women pregnant with sticky babies is not all that much a science as much as it is an art. It could be any number of factors - perhaps a combination of your embryos AND the environment. The thing is, no one will really know.

Nothing is certain... and it's really hard to keep trying. But I have hope that it won't always be like this.

Perhaps an endometrial biopsy and maybe a new fresh cycle (of course adjusted to ensure you don't get OHSS) will help. Do something different this time perhaps.

Ugh. I wish I could help in real life. I am SO SO SO sorry that you have to deal with this yet again. :(

xx

Samantha said...

I really wish there was something I could do, something someone could figure out to help you out in this situation. No one should have to go through that much heartbreak. Even though I know the chances are small, I hope that things pull through for you.

Patience said...

This limbo you're in is inhuman... I know the yearning for answers only too well- and I hope that soon you get yours. x

Adrienne said...

Oh, Bea, I'm so sorry the symptoms disappeared. When is your next beta?

I, too, have heard the "bad luck" hypothesis from several doctors (including my current RE) and it makes me want to sit up and howl everytime. At some point, bad luck has to be more than that - a diagnosis has to be found.

I hope you find yours soon.

GLouise said...

Thinking of you.

aah0424 said...

I want this to be the one day that things are different for you! I really hope you get some answers soon.

Aurelia said...

I'm sorry, I'm just so sorry things are looking so symptomless.

Rachel Inbar said...

Bea, I didn't realize you'd been in a similar situation so many times :-(

I still hope things turn out better this time.

Lut C. said...

When you make a tally like that, 4 low positives in 5 attempts, that sounds so incredibly cruel. That would be because it is.

'Unlucky' is almost impossible to buy as an explanation. Studies or no studies.

To put it disrespectfully, how much scientific value can studies about niche cases in IF have? Aren't the test populations always too small?

Art, more than science, indeed.

Still, how painful the wait may be, it isn't over until it's over. And I'm still holding out some hope for you, that you beat the odds this time.

ellie said...

Oh bea. I am so sorry to hear your symptoms are gone. I know how utterly terrible that feels and it sucks that you have had this happen over and over. Any chance of a 2nd opinion as to why it keeps occuring? Seems like there ought to be a better way than having you re-live it over and over. I am wishing you the best :)

My Reality said...

It might be different someday. Just keep believing that.

I do.

Sami said...

I hate limbo... my hope is that you get some definite answers soon.

Baby Blues said...

I'm with My Reality, we just have to believe in our "someday" to get through today.

Vee said...

Thinking of you.

Nuts story is very hopeful and really hope you follow her lead.

Bumble said...

I'm sorry you're still in limbo Bea. I also didn't realise you'd had this 4 out of 5 times. I'm so sorry. I really really hope this little one is different. I so want a happy ending for you. Thinking of you x

Jules said...

Someday, someday...

You said that you have rarely been as happy about someone else's pregnancy. After Nut, there are only a few who I feel the same.

You are one of those.

Baby Blues said...

I'm with Jules.

sharah said...

Thinking of you, Bea, as you go through this.

Beagle said...

"And I need something to convince me it might be different one day."

Now, if only I could find the words to tell you how very much I hope this is true!

Watson said...

Bea, just catching up on you...good Lord. This is all so hard.

I'm thinking of you, my dear.

[[hugs]]

The Town Criers said...

Shit, Bea--and please don't take this the wrong way because I am happy for your friend (hi! Congratulations!). But when I saw the update, I thought it was for your pregnancy. Is your next appointment this Friday?

Piccinigirl said...

I have been reading your blog for days, trying to figure out what to say and then I realized in saying nothing I show you that I might not care...and I do, a lot. I am so sorry, I am crossing my fingers, I am staying optimisitc for you and I hanging onto hope , just in case you need to let go for a minute of two.

(Hug)

Millie said...

I do hope this is different but I think I have very different hopes for you (that actual live birth thing). I promise I'm not going to tell you you're thinking is fucked up but I really, really, really hope this isn't an ectopic. It would not add any variety worth adding.

I'm thinking so hard for you and so hoping you get out of this hellacious limbo soon.

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