Sometime around... ooh... beta number two of FET#5, this woman I know asked if I was going to have any kids. "I don't know," I answered lightly and truthfully, followed by, "Hey, isn't that the Goodyear blimp?" But she persisted, wanting to know if I had plans, and I was too drained to lie, and too upset to explain. So I simply told her it wasn't a good subject and hey, isn't that the Goodyear blimp? and she looked horrified and said she was sorry to have pushed, and changed the topic.

To her teen daughter's recent, unplanned pregnancy announcement. Whatdaya think - three out of ten? Gold star for effort?

But when I got home I sat down at my computer and sent her an email. "I can recommend you an OB in Singapore." And I gave SOB's contact details, and some neat little what-you're-supposed-to-say sentence, and that was that. And when her daughter lost the baby a couple of weeks later, I passed on a few what-you're-supposed-to-say words.

You see, I can do it.

This week I arrived at the side gate at the same time as a father with a pram, and had one of those moments. One of those For Some Reason This Baby Amongst The Dozens I See All The Freaking Time Is Going To Upset Me (FSRTBATDISATFTIGTUM) moments. But I stepped forward and opened the gate, and I was watching Dad's retreating back by the time the tears started to well.

I can do it. You see.

And I guess I can go home for this miscarriage workup and visit my easy-conceiving friends and their growing bumps and their happily breastfeeding children, too.

I just don't want to.

--
(More on friends later.)


18 Comments

The Town Criers said...

No good words--just a silent hug for all of your good deeds.

The Momcaster said...

oh bea... hugs all around for you

Samantha said...

Ah yes, the FSRTBATDISATFTIGTUM moments. I wish we could better predict these things... I'm sorry.

megan said...

i am identifying with this post on many levels, bea. you're a very strong woman. sending hugs.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

*hug*

Nica said...

I wish I had words. Or a magic wand. Or something that could help. But all I've got is hugs. (and electronic hugs, at that).

Rachel Inbar said...

Bea, You're all heart...

Vee said...

*sigh* I get you.

Sometimes it's just too hard, whether you can do it or not.

TeamWinks said...

I would count that up as a good deed.

My Reality said...

You just never know when those FSRTBATDISATFTIGTUM will hit.

You can do it. And you will.

projgen said...

"I just don't want to."

I hear you. And I hear you about the FSRTBATDISATFTIGTUM moments, too. One minute I'm on the bus making funny faces at a toddler and making him giggle, and the next I'm biting back tears because I saw a mum give her 2-year old a sweet kiss on the head.

I wouldn't have been able to offer the advice to the woman. That goes way above the call of duty. I count that as a good deed, too.

Big hugs, Bea.

Patience said...

Ouch...

Do you have to? I don't want to go home most of the time either, it hurts too much - and hiding is a good thing...

hugs xxx

Carol said...

yeah. you CAN do it - because you are strong. but that doesn't mean you should feel like you have to do it all the time. sometimes it's ok to not do it. sometimes it's ok to just be sad.

Drowned Girl said...

Could you add me to cyclesista June/July DE FET?

Ta

ms. c said...

Oh wow. Those are like a years worth of deeds. I admire you for all the Thurday deeds of the past, but these take the cke.

Ellen K. said...

You're doing well, Bea. But -- ((hugs)), all the same.

I wonder what it is about certain children, or certain moments, that set us off? I've experienced this too.

Breastfeeding moms are very difficult for me to be around. I don't know if that will ever change.

GLouise said...

I hate that you have to know the right words to say...I guess we've all perfected the art of pressing on during these conversations...wish it was something we didn't have to learn.

Sunny said...

I totally feel your pain. HUGS!

Powered by Blogger.