You feel cheated by the lines on the peestick. You want soaring romance, an intertwining of souls, a togetherness almost spiritual, and you think I'm giving you cold-calculated dates devoid of passion. But it's not like that.

It's like I'm drowning in signals and noise, pouring in from each part of my body.

I am aware of my lips, parting gently; my breath, spilling into my mouth and catching in my throat.
I am aware of my eyes' dilation as their lids slightly widen, then half-close.
I sense the roll of my hips, the tilt of my pelvis, the curve of my breasts, the arch and bend of my spine.
My fingertips warm from the feel of you; I think I could welt your skin with my softest caress.

I am a ball of sensation in the palm of your hand.

It has been like this since the beginning with you, and only with you. It is unchanged by fertility, and infertility, or by something as cheap as a peestick. The word "lust" is too trivial; "desire" too shallow. What should I call it? It's carnal, and animalistic, and mindless, and deep. That taste. That smell.

The flesh I am wants to grow and swell and hurt and tear, for you and descendants of you. Only my mind knows it's futile. There is no ghost to fear, just the machine.

You want soaring romance, an intertwining of souls, a togetherness almost spiritual. But it's not like that.


27 Comments

Mands said...

That was so sad and so beautiful, and so true.

Caro said...

Beautiful

The Momcaster said...

sigh...

Rachel Inbar said...

It is beautiful that you so appreciate what you do have... Mr. Bea is very lucky (as are you, obviously).

Vee said...

You have done it again Bea.
Your words are beautiful.

Baby Blues said...

"The flesh I am wants to grow and swell and hurt and tear, for you and descendants of you."

Well said Bea.

Samantha said...

What can I say? Gorgeous, poetic, yet sad...

serenity said...

this shook me.

how much we've had to give up.

beautiful, Bea.

Bea said...

I love you guys. You all seem to have picked out a slightly different aspect of this and it's all stuff I was trying to put in.

Bea

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Sobbing..."The flesh I am wants to grow and swell and hurt and tear, for you and descendants of you." This sums up perfectly how I feel some days...

Very beautifully said, Bea!

MLO said...

WOW! That is such a beautiful expression of what it means to be with the right person. You are a very talented person.

Pax,

MLO

Imogen and David said...

You have an incredible way with words. Extremely well said.

projgen said...

Um, that is beautiful in a gut-wrenching ache sort of way.

The first line made me not my head and think, "uh huh." By the time I saw it again at the end, it made me cry.

Aurelia said...

This is very lovely Bea, so wonderful.

The Town Criers said...

Haunting and beautiful and aching.

Pamela Jeanne said...

"The word 'lust' is too trivial; 'desire' too shallow. What should I call it? It's carnal, and animalistic, and mindless, and deep."

Yowsa, I coudn't help but imagine how this relates to my guy and felt my pulse quicken. You've captured the essence of attraction in such a visceral way, and that's what makes the cold and antisceptic nature of IF treatments and interventions so hard. We're robbed of the natural, passionate way of creating something new and wondrous.

Sunny said...

amazing!

TeamWinks said...

...so true...

Piccinigirl said...

ooh that touched me on so many levels. That was the most beautiful thing I've read in so long. I miss that desire, thank you for reminding me it still exists.

KarenO said...

So precious, beautiful! Thanks for sharing something so intimate.

steph said...

It's all already been said by the other comments....
How sad we are at our best and most clear sometimes when we are at our lowest.

Patience said...

Wow Bea - you are so articulate,so fresh, so honest...

awesome x

ak1908 said...

Wow! My heart is touched and can relate to the feelings you've described here. You are amazing with words. Beautiful!

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

How lovely

Bea said...

Thanks for all these. This was a big post for me.

Bea

Beagle said...

You've captured the heart and soul of it with your words.

blondie said...

A wonderfully poetic way of pouring out your heart and soul.

*hug*

More poetry from you please!

:) blondie

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