My iPod shuffles onto Can't Stop by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and I am transported. I'm in York, England, in a park by the canal within view of the minster, boots on my lap, cloths and polish beside me, and an old toothbrush in my hand. Mr Bea is in the apartment behind with D, rearranging our boxes of stuff in his spare room. The military is about to move D back to Australia, and our things are hitching a ride. "What will they say about these?" I ask jokingly, indicating a carton of frilly underwear.

"Don't ask, don't tell," D replies. Then he hands me my boots. "These need to be spotless," he says meaningfully. "Like, military clean. Here's a toothbrush." I take everything down to the park to sit in the sunshine of late spring and sing softly to myself as pensioners stroll past with their dogs. I am full of hope and anticipation. We have given away over half our stuff, dropped off most of the rest with D, and completed our prenatal doctor and dentist appointments with flying colours. Tomorrow morning we will head south again with what we expect is all we need to create the next phase of our lives: me, Mr Bea, a few odds and ends (like prenatal vitamins!) in a backpack, and an exhilarating sense of adventure.

"The world I love
The tears I drop
To be part of
The wave can't stop
Ever wonder if it's all for you?"

When I come back to the present, I find that question has been answered in the negative. Sometimes the realisation that this world doesn't revolve around me is the only thing which keeps me from thinking I'm on some kind of karmic blacklist. And yet I find myself connecting with the song once again. I am more mature now - humbled, quietened - and I have learnt a lot about taking life as it comes. This time, instead of singing it with a fearlessness born of innocence, I sing it with a fearlessness born of adversity.

"The world I love
The trains I hop
To be part of
The wave can't stop
Come and tell me when it's time to."

[Video clip] [Lyrics]


--
I'll be back well before you have a chance to miss me. But just in case, here's another song from my iPod:



"Better Days" by Pete Murray

And I saw it coming
I saw emptiness and tragedy
And I felt like running
So far away
But knew I had to stay
And I know when I'm older
I look back and I still feel the pain
I know I'll be stronger and I know I'll be fine
For the rest of my days

I've seen better days
Put my face in my hands
Get down on my knees and I pray to God
Hope he sees me through till the end

I noticed the smallest things
But I didn't notice the change
It was hot in the morning
Then it turned so cold, twas the end of the day
There was no condensation I just felt like I was in space
I needed my friends there I just turned around
They were gone without a trace

I've seen better days
Put my face in my hands
Get down on my knees and I pray to God
Hope he sees me through till the end

Now I have just started
And I won't be done till the end
There's nothing I have lost
That was once placed upon the palm of my hands
And all of these hard times
Have faded round the bend
Now that I'm wiser I cannot wait
Till I can help my friends

I've seen better days
Put my face in my hands
Get down on my knees and I pray to God
Hope he sees me through till the end

Seen better days
Put my face in my hands
Get down on my knees and I pray to God
Hope he sees me through till the end

Seen better
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na [x4]


17 Comments

Ellen K. said...

"A fearlessness born of adversity" -- very well put. I think we often need to remind ourselves how strong we all are. Thanks for doing so.

Sarah said...

"I noticed the smallest things
But I didn't notice the change"

what a great line for looking back at the infertility journey. all those tiny details we fervently charted away meanwhile a major shift was taking place within us.

Bea said...

Yes, I love that line, too. And this one:

"There's nothing I have lost
That was once placed upon the palm of my hands."

Bea

Rebecca said...

I went to university in York :)

xxx

Matthew M. F. Miller said...

A good music suggestion is the best gift you could give a stranger like me.

Unless of course you wanted to fund MY trip to York! :)

Vee said...

Great music choice on your ipod !

Funny how we can interpret things differently depending on the time, place or mood.

Sunny said...

I LOVE MUSIC! I haven't heard this one. I will be adding it to my iPod. It spoke miles for me!

When you said,
"I am more mature now - humbled, quietened - and I have learnt a lot about taking life as it comes." it was like you were talking about me. It is amazing what time does to a person, the good, bad and the ugly.

Jess said...

I *heart* the RHCP.

Come back soon! Missing you while you're away!

Anonymous said...

Hope all goes smoothly

The Town Criers said...

Good songs. It's amazing to look back on a moment and think about how different you thought it would be. Sending good wishes for your trip.

Thalia said...

Oh i so recognise the feeling that I've attracted bad karma from somewhere without meaning to, or knowing I'd done it, or knowing what had done it. But somehow in the end that wasn't the point.

Karen said...

"And I know when I'm older
I look back and I still feel the pain
I know I'll be stronger and I know I'll be fine
For the rest of my days"
Ooooh it's as if it was written especially for me! Thanks for sharing and enjoy your trip :)

Patience said...

Fabulous song Bea....

Best of luck while you're away, take care. xxx

Somewhat Ordinary said...

"Fearlessness born of adversity"
I like that term.

Thanks for sharing the song, I'm going to have to add it to my Ipod as well.

Mands said...

Just beautiful. You really know how to paint a picture Bea. Albeit a sad one.

Meg said...

Have fun on your trip. Its funny how songs mean different things to us at different times in our lives. We are thinking of adoption and I heard the song "waiting for you" by peter gabriel on the way back to work today - it used to mean waiting for that perfect guy...now it means waiting for my perfect child. Strange

Pamela Jeanne said...

I love the way that music and lyrics can transport us. I have a set of tunes that I play when I'm writing and editing portions of my novel. It helps me to tap into deeper emotions...

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