So I got my new referral this morning from the GP. And a script for some pain killers. And she asked if that was all, and I said yes, and I thought we were done. Then she asked how I was going. Fine, I'm fine. Are you still taking folic acid*? Well... I've kind of stopped for the time being. I'm on a break. How many cycles have you done? Are you feeling disappointed about the results? Does your family know what you're going through? Do you have access to counsellors at your clinic?

Sooner or later I was bound to cry. And its hard to convince someone you're really ok when you're blowing your nose at the same time. In the end, reluctantly, she let me leave. Maybe she decided I wasn't going to abuse her prescription medications after all.

Later, I walked aimlessly through the supermarket. Despite a bare pantry, I couldn't figure out what to buy. I realised how long it's been since I tasted food. I looked at ingredients - eggs, vegetables, spice - and I tried to remember how to cook. My herb garden feeds possums now. The tomato plants yellow and die. I am thin, I am gaunt**.

When I came home, I scrolled through my archives. Looking for change. Hoping for progress. Trying to work out if they're right, these people who look at me, with their furrowed brows, their faces of concern, and reduce me to crying so easily. And I found a good reason to blog. I know now, for sure, that these are not my darkest hours***.

I am waking from a very bad night, full of terrors. And although my fears were valid, and remain unresolved, they are more manageable by this, the light of day. The worst may not be over, but at least, as I wake, I can smell the coffee, and breathe the warmth of toasted bread. And I am grateful for these little tastes of life.

*Interestingly, she recommends a pregnancy and breastfeeding formula containing iodine, for those living in Australia. This is because our soils are iodine-poor. The same prenatals that are adequate in, say, Europe, are not so good here, for this reason. Check your label!

**Don't hate me for this. I have lost a significant amount of weight this year. Stress kills my appetite. It may be part of our problem at the moment.

***This post from April is what I mean.


N said...

Ohhhh :( What a sad post :(. Oh I wish I could make things easier for you, for all of us. Ohhh.

But I am still glad to read that you can smell coffe again :S.

Oh...sending big fat hug!


Vee said...

There is just something about GPs ! I always cry when I see mine.
It's that little question "how are you ?" that does it to me. because they now what we are going through and want a real answer unlike some "friends" who ask how you are and you respond fine and they are happy with that. Yet deep down you are not fine at all and just want to load all your shit on them.
Ok enough rambling...

Praying for you.

Meri-ann said...

I'm also sending you a big fat hug....

steph said...

Jeez. Where do you go with this post? Sounds like you are really in a not so happy place but don't want to be. I hope that coffee smell stays strong and leads you in the right direction....

Lut C. said...

My counsellor does that to me every time. Soon I'm going to start crying whenever I see her, like a pavlov reaction.

Stress makes me want to eat more, not less. Not good, when the doctor has told you to watch the weight. :-/
There just isn't any middle ground is there?

serenity said...

Oh Bea. This post makes my heart ache for you. I hope you continue to find your way out of this darkness.

It's just all so damn hard.

Love to you.

soralis said...

I am so sorry for all you are going through. Big hug

Bea said...

Lut - laughing about the counsellor. I think I'm getting pavlovian with the GP, too. Ah, dear me.

It's funny, when I wrote this post I kind of thought it was a "happy" post, but when I got your comments, I re-read what I wrote, and I guess "bittersweet" is a better one-word summary. Definitely plenty of sad there. I still think it accurately portrays my current mood.


Thalia said...

Yup, I am a stress eater too, not like you. I have found that cooking actually makes me feel better - it's that sense of nurturing someone else that does it for me. Is there anyone you can cook for that would help bring your tastebuds back to life? Do you own the Stephanie Alexander book? That's one of the best ever cookbooks I think, and it's an aussie one...

Lut C. said...

The tone is definitely "light at the end of the tunnel". Perhaps happy is a bit of stretch, bittersweet I can agree with.

Like it really matters what we think. ;-)

Bea said...

I have/used to have a slight cookbook fetish. Don't have that one, though.

And on caring what you think... I do find it interesting to have the posts "bounced back" to me via your impressions. Sometimes you can see yourself better in the reflection.

Plus I like the hugs.


Piccinigirl said...

Just hugs...I send HUGS, cause I am good at them.


Beagle said...

The oddest things can cause tears spillage for me these days. Tears are not all bad though. I am finding that they are sometimes necessary, maybe even helpful.

Still, I wish none of us had this particualr reason to cry.

Hoping for brighter times ahead.

So glad you can pick out the "little tastes of life" amongst all the . . . . well . . . crap!

I see that as a good sign.

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