I was still mulling over our failed May transfer, when yet another wise person said to me, "Well, it's better than nothing!"

An idea started to form in my mind. Carefully, I put aside the teensy bit of pregnancy I'd had and waited.

When we had a miscarriage at eight weeks, sometime later, I added it to my little stash. The nurse at the clinic said she was sorry for our loss, and praised us for how well we were holding up.

A couple of months of straight negatives went by. I debated whether to keep them or not, and wondered how you'd judge their worth. In the end I kept them, just in case.

Then we hit the jackpot. Second trimester miscarriage. As the anaesthetist placed my catheter for the D&C the nurse soothed me. "This must be awful for you," she said.

I shrugged resignedly. "At least it's better than nothing," I replied. She gave a couple of startled blinks, then her expression transformed into one of sympathy, and she patted my shoulder kindly as I went to sleep.

It wasn't long after that we made it. The nurse from the clinic called to say our latest pregnancy was over, at only 6 weeks, 3 days. She asked if I was ok.

"I'm good," I told her, grinning. "I'm coming down - I've got something to show you."

When I arrived I handed them all over for her approval - nine month's worth of pregnancy, all present and correct. I expected to haggle over the straight negatives, but 36 weeks is almost as good as 40, so I was feeling fairly confident. I even picked up my dear husband on the way, so he could be there when they handed us our baby.

But the nurse just shook her head. "It doesn't work like that," she explained.

"But they all said... everyone told me it was better than nothing!" I was crushed, the tears were welling in my eyes.

She took my hand and rubbed it gently between hers. "Honey," she said. "I don't know what to tell you. They were wrong."


Bea said...

Just on a practical note:

I was worried about posting this, because you've all been so kind and I thought it might draw... a little too much sympathy. Let me explain myself.

Last weekend I was devastated. Today, for some reason, I am fine.

It's strange, because I think this is the worst thing that's happened so far. I know it's not, by far, the worst that *could* happen, but I think it's the worst that *has* happened - to us, so far. So I should be more upset than I've ever been before, right?

Inexplicably, wrong. I'm ok. We're both ok. I still resent the implication that this makes us *better off*, but I certainly don't feel we're any worse off. So there it is.

It doesn't have to make sense.

I guess you can't predict how you'll react.

And sometimes, when you think someone needs your support the most, that's when they need it the least. And when you think someone needs your support the least, that might be when they need it the most.

Plus I'm through worrying about how I think I *should* feel. It's ok to feel ok.

So I'd feel bad if you all flocked here to sympathise, when there is a whole infertile blogsphere out there, many/most of whom are hurting more badly than I am now.

We are doing another FET in June. Wish us luck.

If you're out there and you need support, please holler. We won't turn our noses up and tell you your current problems don't deserve it.


soralis said...

There is no comparing how each of us feels in blogland, you deserve a hug just as much as anyone else. Take care and all the best and I wish you luck with your FET too!

Vee said...

Feelings and emotions just go haywire during this time, what ever you feel you feel. Nobody can change that and it is OK to feel OK. It is all relative, your problems are only relative to your last problem no matter how big or small and like Solaris said you can't compare. Your pain is YOUR pain and only you know your threshold.

Reading back on what I just wrote it probably doesn't make any sense, but I know what I mean...LOL

Good Luck Bea !!!!!!

Meg said...

Bea. I love your posts. :)

kze said...

Great post. Wouldn't it be great if it actually worked that way? i have 5 years worth of months to turn in.

We may be cycle buddies! I'll be doing an FET this month also. Just waiting for dear AF to show so I can get started on the estrogen!

Best of luck with the FET

Sarah said...

I agree with Soralis, everyone out there needs love, but you are right, sometimes we overanalyze how we 'should' be feeling. Just remember that whatever you feel is valid and if you are OK, then great, but just know that there are a ton of people out here to talk to when you are not feeling as OK. Take care.

Paige said...

That was a beautiful post Bea. I wish you the best of luck for your FET.

Dawn said...

Just wanted to say, I am sorry for your loss. I hope your fet brings you a healthy baby.

Shazz said...

Good luck with your FET!!

Bea said...

Ooh, I just wanted to say a big thanks for the comments - it's nice to know people "get" what I'm trying to say.


Alli said...

You're right - you can't predict how you'll react to this stuff, and every day is different. I say, embrace the times you feel good! You may need to remember them later to get you through a rough patch!

Good luck with the FET!

UtRus said...

brilliant writing.

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