First, this:

Then this:

Now this: (summary - my feelings as I start into the last month of this pregnancy, and how they compare to last time)

Surprise Pregnancy is progressing well, if quickly. Technically, I am into the last month, although having been fifteen days past dates last time I find myself unable to take that estimate very seriously.

It's impossible, of course, not to compare my feelings this time to last. Last time I was feeling... what? "Emotionally exhausted" is probably the best description. I did not feel excited. I did not feel relieved. I did not feel nervous, or impatient, or wistful. I felt... I think I described myself as "patiently waiting to see how things turned out". I guess I felt detached. I believe I could have persisted in that state for approximately ever and ever, if that had been an option, neither moving forward to the future nor revisiting the past, but instead existing in that narrow window of emotional stillness. I had not had the opportunity to experience such stillness for the longest time.

This time, I am not still. I am somewhat restless, in fact. I am frustrated by my inability to get things done at a worthwhile pace. I am frequently tired. I am heavy. I am irritable. I feel hot too easily. I can't think or concentrate well. I have too much to do, and I am not confident in my ability to do it all. It's downright annoying, is what it is. This must be what normal women feel like towards the end of their pregnancies, when they complain of being "over it". Have I gained the sympathy I previously lacked for their "plight"? No. If anything, I have lost a little. Good grief - get a problem. See, I am even annoyed at my own annoyance.

That is, except when I am marvelling at the human body's ability to reconcile our souls to the inevitable. There is a peace in my restlessness that didn't exist in the detached stillness of the last pregnancy. I really may not do this again, and yet I find that I am more or less willing to move on. The tiredness, irritability, and other symptoms help, as does - no doubt - the prospect of a second live, take-home baby, but I don't think it's really that, or at least not just that. I am moving through the normal, emotional cycle of pregnancy in a way that eluded me before. I am living in synch with myself.


BigP's Heather said...

I'm glad you have peace.

I think this is my panic. I was detached last time because I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't truly enjoy and savor the pregnancy and I regret that. What if I never get to experience that again? What if I wasted my one chance?

Also, I can't imagine being pregnant and parenting at the same time. I would be exhausted too!

Betty M said...

Time certainly flies. That last month is tough I know. It feels like whinging to moan but sometimes it's ok to have a bunch of not really a big deal in the scheme of things problems.

Pamela said...

Sounds like we're sharing a similar vibe of of living in synch with ourselves. Wishing you all the best (as always)...

sharah said...

Delurking :)

And really, that last month is not all that pleasant. I remember telling someone "I'm at the point where it would be a lot more fun to have him on the outside."

Not too much longer to go, whether that is encouraging or not :)

Lut C. said...

The last month already?!

Normal, at peace, I like reading that. Live-take home baby, I like reading that even better, and hope you get to that point with as little discomfort as physically possible.

DaisyGal said...

just reading you in contentment makes me smile. I can't believe how SURPRISE PREGNANCY has taken you to the last month of it already. WOW.

As always you're in my thoughts. :)

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