I'm not sure how to say this.

I'm pregnant. (Huh. That turned out to be a lot more straightforward than I expected.)

I'm not sure how pregnant. At least five weeks, because Mr Bea's been away on some business trips and I have to have conceived whilst he was in the country, but given that my last period was about three months ago I guess I could be... up to three months. But if I had to guess, based on my symptoms, I'd say about six weeks. But I'm not sure.

I'm not sure how it happened. I mean, yes, I know it must have had something to do with that "special cuddle" a daddy gives a mummy when they really, really love each other, but... we have no sperm. Right? I mean, last I checked that was true. We did four semen analyses over a period of five months, not to mention the checks they did every time Mr Bea was sampled during our over-eighteen-months of treatment and... there's not too many and none of them swim. They didn't even recommend normal IVF for us. They said we would have to do ICSI. And I didn't believe them, and I demanded to see the reports for myself, and I took them home and brooded over them and pubmedded myself into a frenzy of denial and disbelief before I gave in and accepted that it was true. I'm not sure how it could have changed.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. Stunned, mostly - I only did the test this afternoon, after two weeks of feeling "yuk" which I thought, at first, was a tummy bug the Prata Baby had dealt with only a few days before my nausea started, but which I had started to become slightly curious about. The final straw was the homoerotic dream. I mean, the cramps, the nausea, the tiredness, the heartburn, the nocturia, the food aversions, the occasional dry retching, the sore and enlarged breasts, the bloating - these come and go as part of my normal menstrual cycle. But the only other time (I mused upon waking this morning) I've ever had homoerotic dreams was during my pregnancy with the Prata Baby. Oh just do a test and put yourself out of your misery, I told myself with a roll of my eyes, and that's how I expected it to go down. But it didn't. It came up positive. And even though we had plans to start treatments again next month, I didn't really expect to be pregnant any time within the next six months, at least, and I had made a whole stack of plans based on this assumption. Travel plans. Study and career advancement plans. Renovation plans. And now I am confused, and I am up in the air, and I don't know what's going to happen any more. And I am scared, because we have had a lot more positive peesticks than we currently have babies. And I am elated, because I didn't think this could ever happen, and because no matter how things turn out, this conception will always be a miracle. And I'm almost daring to hope that we may have avoided IVF in the foreseeable future. And I am a little overwhelmed (I haven't stopped trembling since that second line appeared) and just a fraction teary. And I'm not sure how to feel all this at once.

I'm not sure how this is going to unfold. I'm planning to turn up, unannounced, at the fertility clinic at approximately the crack of dawn tomorrow morning and grab myself some blood tests and hopefully also an ultrasound. By tomorrow afternoon, I should know whether things look hopeful or not. I'm not sure what they'll find. I'm just not sure, of so many things. I'm not sure how this news will find you who are reading - in some cases trying, unsuccessfully. I just don't know.

I'll tell you more as I find out.


17 Comments

Betty M said...

Well, well. Congratulations and hopefulness that all is ok once you have bloods and a scan under your belt. As one of those people who was incapable of getting pregnant without ivf from my late twenties to late thirties and then managed to conceive the normal way three times from 39 to 42 I know for myself that amazing things can happen despite results that suggest that they shouldn't. Really pleased that you too can join the rest of us urban myths.

Vee said...

Whaaaat? WOW well your news has blown me away! I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling.

Congratulations Bea, it's wonderful news and certainly a miracle, a beautiful miracle. I have my fingers crossed that all goes well for you.
I guess you wont be doing much skiing then?
I will be waiting eagerly to hear the updates.

Not on Fire said...

WOW! This is great, scary, but great.

SassyMama said...

Bwah!
What a surprise!
All of those emotions sound perfectly reasonable given the situation. Will await the news from your trip to the clinic with fingers crossed...

Heather said...

YAY! I'm super excited for you!!

I can't wait until tomorrow. Hoping for great news!!

MrsSpock said...

Holy crap Bea!! Did the magic baby fairy bounce from my house to yours? I hope this little one sticks and stays around...Sending good vibes...

My Reality said...

You got pregnant by having SEX? I had no idea that was even possible!!

I really hope all of your plans that you had for the next 6 months are thrown completely off because things are continuing to progress nicely. I am so happy to hear this, Bea!

I think it would be wonderful if you could avoid the whole IVF train.

No Minimom said...

OMG! Congratulations and lots of sticky vibes headed your way! I hope this little miracle turns out to be one of the positive pee stick = full term baby types! What an exciting development!! :-)

Summer said...

Wow, wow, wow! How exciting and scary this must all be! I hope you can get your u/s tomorrow and get a better idea how far along you are. Congratulations!

Lut C. said...

Well someone has to make up that 5% of couples who conceive naturally after being told it wouldn't happen.

I read your past 2 posts together, and I hope this time around your posts can all be titled 'unsettlingly easier than thought possible'.

Fingers crossed!

Ellen K. said...

Oh my goodness! I'm completely shocked. What a nice twist of fate to not have to go through the brutish experience of the first go-round. You've fully earned a surprise. Congratulations and best wishes for a happy and healthy pregnancy!

Thalia said...

OMG! So sorry I missed this news. Congratulations!

Rachel Inbar said...

OMG - I so deserve this for not even knowing you'd gone back to blogging here!!! Can I just say one thing - YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Wow. What great news!!!

Keeping my fingers & toes crossed that all goes well from now and...well, until forever :-)

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Wow, I'm only a couple of days late on this one! I know this must be crazy for you. When I saw that there were updates for this site I thought you must have started updating because you weregoing to start the IVF journey again. I was so excited and blown away to hear this. Fantastic! Congrats and hang in there.

~Jess said...

Congratulations! Hopefully all is well and turns out wonderfully!

Hang in there.

Forever Hopeful said...

Wow that is amazing, what was your hubbies sperm count like???? Our last was 7 mil with recommendation for ICSI - have booked first consultation... would be great to hear from you - i love miracle stories!

Bea said...

Hi FH!

Can't remember exactly what our counts were now! They were somewhere around that level, I'm pretty sure some were even a bit lower than 7 mill. We were recommended straight to IVF with ICSI.

The thing I remember most about them was the motility was so poor - there were absolutely no fast swimmers, a small % of sluggish ones, and mostly non-swimmers. (Clinic had a few categories - rapid motility, progressive motility, non-progressive motility, not motile. We had mostly non-motile, then some non-progressive. We may have had a very small % progressive here and there, depending on the sample, but the rapid motility that they normally like to see at least some of just wasn't there.)

So yes, apparently it can happen. I don't know that I'd advise anyone to stake their entire future on this possibility, though - the odds were definitely against it. But strange and improbable things happen occasionally, what can I say?

Bea

Powered by Blogger.