First, I'd like to give a big wave to all those first-time readers joining us via pornographic search terms today. Hi there! Do leave a comment.

Now - ladies. Lay-dees. And any transexuals. How much would you pay for a luscious rack like the one I woke up with the other day? Three thousand dollars? Eight thousand? Overnight, all my bras just ceased to fit.

"Check me out," I said to Mr Bea, who was pulling on his socks and shoes in the lounge room in preparation for imminent departure from the house.

"Can I check you out later?" he replied awkwardly.

"Now!" I insisted, and he glanced at my chest and made some approving, if half-hearted noises. "That's lame. Check me out properly."

"Bea, we're sitting in front of the largest window in the house and the neighbours can see in." I had to admit this was true.

"The hallway, then," I instructed, and I marched off. And waited. And waited. After a long pause, Mr Bea shuffled around the corner looking decidedly uncomfortable.

"I, er, only I'm actually going out just this moment. I could totally check you out when I get home? Fine. Fine. Here. Yes. Very nice. Um, I have to go."

I felt I could do better. Upon Mr Bea's return, I was draped across the couch in what used to be a merely low-cut dress, whereas now it is positively indecent. I had to strain to do up the side zipper and, get this, my nipples spill halfway out the top. Not just cleavage, but actual nipples. These are the best tits I've had in my entire life. Which is just as well, because my midriff has gone kind of furry.

In related news, I'd heard rumours about pregnancy sex dreams, but has anybody found themselves suddenly and uncharacteristically having homoerotic dreams? Yeah, me neither. (Although it does, by the way, make a lot of biological sense - no woman needs a penis at this point.) I've been wondering if pregnant lesbians have heteroerotic dreams? Answers appreciated.

I could go on, but regular readers will already be covering their eyes and murmering, "Too Much Information," and, really, "huge tits", "pornographic", "transexual", "luscious rack", "bra", "indecent", "nipples", "cleavage", "midriff", "sex dreams", "homoerotic", "penis", "lesbian" and "heteroerotic" - not to mention "arse" (or "ass") which I'm just going to throw in there for free - should be enough to keep me in disappointed googlers for weeks, even years, to come. Oh! "Come." There's another.

(Dear God, please show us a live foetus on the scan tomorrow. Very nervous about the scan tomorrow.)


23 Comments

Chili said...

Best. Post. Ever.

R has been similarly unimpressed with my 'Check out my new boobs!' rantings. Although he did mention that he's glad that they don't hurt as much anymore, and that I no longer try to bite his hand off if he tries to touch them! ;)

Samantha said...

Are you feel insecure? Blog traffic dropping off a bit lately? :) You completely crack me up. I think Mr. Bea isn't doing a very good job appreciating the new boobs.

Good luck tomorrow.

Aurelia said...

Oh my God! I've been waiting for this to happen to me. This truly is the best part of pregnancy, the giant boobs, and the incredible sex drive, and yes, sometimes it's not my husband in the dreams, and not even men.

Makes up for all the awful other symptoms, eh?

I'm pulling for you and your scan tomorrow. Both ovaries are crossed.

The Town Criers said...

I am sending a lot of hope that big tits=live fetus tomorrow. Think about the hard work those tit fairies have to do. Their work should not be in vain.

Rachel Inbar said...

You're a riot :-) Best wishes for a GREAT scan tomorrow!

Amanda said...

Hilarious!!!!

Yeah, Mr. W couldn't keep his hands off of the girls those two weeks they were huge!

Oh, and your forgot "penis" for your final quotes of search topics. It was in there! Hahaha!

Sarah said...

nice work! i'm a little pissed though that i still don't have those boobs even at 33 weeks. you must have been ahead of the game to start out with.

good luck tomorrow!!!!

Almamay said...

Thinking of you for your scan. x

Vee said...

Well you gave me a good laugh first thing in the morning.. That is hilarious !

And does Mr Bea not know the the big tits wont be around forever...or is it that he is a leg man ? ;)

Good luck for tomorrow.

Vee said...

Aaah that would be today not tomorrow.
Good luck for today.

Sunny Jenny said...

Funny post! You made me and Harry laugh!

Thinking of you tomorrow for your scan! Can't wait to hear!

Stephanie said...

Very funny post, but true about the changes in boobs. HOpe you enjoy them. Best of luck tomorrow.

Jess said...

Enjoy the boobs!

Good luck and prayers for your scan tomorrow!

M said...

Too, too funny....

(good luck tomorrow)

MLO said...

Bea,

You may want to include "cum" in that so you get all the p0rn searchers who can't spell!

Yep, I finally broke down and got a blogger account...

Pax,

MLO

Geohde said...

Congrats on the rack-o-rama situation :)

J

The Momcaster said...

congrats on the boob job!
i'm loving mine!

Ellen K. said...

Congrats on the rack.

Lut C. said...

I take it mr. Bea is not a boob man. Does he prefer legs or ass?

Tuesday said...

I think I have had very nearly the same blog post poking around in my head! Boobs and dreams, man! The best part of pregnancy!!

(Also, take lots of photos in that naughty dress because holy moly, boobs are awesome.)

Piccinigirl said...

you made me giggle, congrats on the "girls" :)

chicklet said...

I'm a couple days behind but this was freakin funny!

Anonymous said...

Yes, but...








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