It occurred to me, as I was waiting for the results of my beta this morning, that perhaps there's a purpose to all this loss. Some of those low positive betas were so small and so fleeting a normal woman wouldn't have noticed the conception at all, and even with Jester there are some who wouldn't have cared, and many who wouldn't have cared nearly so much as we did. So perhaps these brief little lives were given to us, as opposed to anyone else, to care for and love because Someone knew we would.

Then I threw up a little in my mouth from the overwhelming perkturdiness. As I tried to wash away the acid taste, I was called in for my results: fifty-three hours. I could want for better, but I'll take what I'm given and hope it's enough. Since I'm enjoying the illusion of control these constant blood draws are giving me, I'm going back on Thursday for beta the fourth.

Thanks for all your stories of hope, and encouragement to hang in there. And, er, if you've got any more where that came from, yes please.


28 Comments

Adrienne said...

I know you know all about this (and much more than most), but that's only 5 hours off a 48-hour doubling time. Keeping hope here for you, Bea.

Patience said...

I just knew that word would be perfect for someone, someday... long may it live....

And long may your betas being going in the right direction, who cares what pace they choose as long as they do what they are supposed to. x

Schatzi said...

I'm glad to hear your beta is still rising. Fingers remained crossed.

Drowned Girl said...

If 85% of normal pregnancies double in 48 hours ... 15% of normal pregnancies double in more than 48 hours

x

Anonymous said...

Hi Bea,

Just wanted to share my five (!) beta numbers with you. At 16 dpo (13dp3dt) my beta was an unimpressive 98. Two days later it was 155; that's a dismal doubling time of 72.6 hours. They told me it was curtains (it needed to be AT LEAST 163, in other words, to have risen 66%); I got the methotrexate labs. Then to everyone's surprise it starting picking up. Four days after that it was 717 (doubling time 43.4 hours). Then 1489 (45.5) and 2582 (60.4) at 26 dpo. Then we stopped the freakin' blood tests. At 6w1d I went for an ultrasound expecting the worst; there was a heartbeat of 111 bpm. I'm currently 13w1d, with no problems so far (knock on wood). I agonized over my beta numbers, and told everyone I was miscarrying, because that's what the doctors told me. Most of the information I found online was equally portentious of doom.

But you just never know.

I'm sorry you're feeling in limbo, and I know that nothing I can say will ease your mind, but I'm rooting for you and your little ones.

A lurker,
A

Bea said...

Thanks, Lurker!

Bea

My Reality said...

I hope Beta the Fourth gets you out of all of this wondering with a substantial increase in a short amount of time.

I wish you didn't have to live through yet anonther beta hell. It doesn't mean it won't turn out, though. Just keep remembering that.

megan said...

i'm glad to hear that things are still moving forward. thinking of you and hoping that it just gets better and better. hang in there, Bea.

katd said...

I hope so much that these stories encourage you. Things are still progressing, which is great! Sending good thoughts and tons of hope!

Heather said...

That is a lovely way to look at it.

singletracey said...

SO glad to see that your beta is going up and up. As long as they rise.. you are good! I am thinking of you....

Pamela Jeanne said...

Sending you lots of love and support my dear Bea. Here's to more encouraging news on Thursday...

Samantha said...

Still going up is progress in the right direction!

Cibele said...

Bea, I am sorry I haven’t been around to congratulate you before on your BFP. I am so happy for you. I know how you feel, I also got a BFP recently and I am waiting on limbo to see how things progress. I wish you all the best

serenity said...

God, it's SO close to 48 hours.

Hang in there. It happened for the girl on my board, and I'm going to hope like hell it's going to happen for you.

*hug*

The Town Criers said...

53 hours is nothing to sneeze at. The point is that it keeps going up and it's going up at regular intervals (not slowing down). Keep going little chickie/man-pie (uh...the chickie/man-pie would be the baby. I'm pretty certain of your gender).

Jackie said...

Bea-sending you some more positive vibes for a great beta on Thursday! I'm thinking of you.

TeamWinks said...

I'm in the back here cheering you on on and hoping for more good news!

Jess said...

You know, that whole "those lives were given to us because we care for them" part was so beautiful, Bea. So beautiful. I've never thought of that. That maybe WE are for THEM, not them for us. Wonderful.

I'm glad to hear that you're darnclose to doubling still, and staying reasonably within the same time at lesat.

Hopefully. Hopefully THIS time.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I like drowned girls stats and 53 is so close to 48!

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Glad that the beta is still rising honey. I so hope that everything continues to head in the right direction. Hugs.

Piccinigirl said...

first, I'm sorry I'm late with congratulations, I am so happy for you and will start sending lots and lots of good thoughts to you for the continued rising betas. They sound very good to me.
Plus HOPE is a good thing, I'll keep some for you while you wait.

Bumble said...

I've never really thought about it like that, and its beautiful. You're right Bea, Someone knew we'd love them and care about them right from the very beginning.

And I'm so glad to hear the betas are still going up, and praying this little one will be in your arms in 9 months.

Anonymous said...

Good luck today Bea
K

Changing Expectations said...

Thinking about you Bea. The beta is still rising steadily so that is great. I am hoping for good news on Thurs.

soralis said...

Wishing you the best.. good luck

Chili said...

Will be thinking of you on Thursday. I have oodles of hope that everything will be just fine. {{{HUGS}}}

Lut C. said...

That thought was a bit sugary sweet, but then again, it doesn't have to be snark all the time.

I hope the next beta brings good news, without any shadow of doubt (tall order, I know).

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