*Update*
There is something wrong with me.
But they don't know what.

Dr flips backwards and forwards through my paperwork with a worried frown slapped across his face, until eventually his expression crumples under the strain and he rubs his eyes and temples in frustration.

Blood tests this morning, more jabs, and he says he wants to book me for a hysteroscopy and/or curette before the next transfer. He also wants to run more tests on Mr Bea's sperm. Yes, more than 30% of our embryos should be making it through the thaw. He's stopped talking about our "family in the freezer" and has begun alluding to our next EPU.

Then there is an awkward pause, and he adds, almost guiltily, "Unless this round works, of course."

Of course.

But his words lack the force of belief.

*Update Ends*
---
I need to write some things down. Feedback is welcome.

Item One

Eleven days til beta, and it looks like I'm getting my period. That's right - 5 days post 3 day transfer. This happened last time. Yes, I've tried to call the clinic - no-one is in at this time on a Sunday. If I leave it alone, the progesterone/hCG injections will keep things down to a light spotting for the next eleven days, and then we'll get our negative. I don't have time for this shit. I am going in tomorrow.

These embryos - crappy and excellent alike - are not even getting a chance. What's wrong with me?

Item Two

Yesterday was the official opening of the Adoption Talks. Mr Bea thinks we're being premature, but the fact is we're planning a move to Singapore. We currently live in the anti-adoption capital of the world. Expressions of interest open intermittently each few years, and from there it takes another three or so years for baby to arrive - providing you go with the faster inter-country option. Couples have been told (I read it in the newspaper) by the relevant state department, that if they're serious about adoption they should consider relocating outside Queensland.

We're moving to Singapore. There we have the opportunity to adopt within 6-12 months. I have announced my resolution to return home (to live, visits don't count) with a child. One way or the other.

Item Three

Mr Bea has just started trying to work through the ethical issues associated with adoption. In contrast to his opinion of eight months ago, he no longer sees this as "option two" above sperm donation. He talks about his sperm quality in tones of acceptance. It's beautiful.

I don't expect to commence any adoption procedings until at least 2008. Talks about embryo/sperm donation are scheduled, but have not yet begun.

Item Four

We ended with another game of hypotheticals. I asked Mr Bea if he'd donate his sperm. He said yes immediately, in a tone which suggested he hadn't thought very seriously about it because he wasn't really expecting anyone to ask.

But the fact is, he does have sperm. And donors are so rare, people are using IVF anyway. Ok, so you'd have to add ISCI, and there's the whole issue of passing on male infertility. On the other hand, he has many outstanding qualities, and a clean medical bill otherwise. Heck, I find his sperm not only acceptable, but actually desirable.

The hypothetical finished there, unresolved. I'd given myself a hCG injection and fell asleep pretty much mid-sentence on the couch. When I woke up, I was bleeding, and I couldn't contact the clinic.

But then I read Richard's latest post and the question re-emerged... is an infertile donor better than none? Or not?

Hypothetically speaking?