What can I tell you about a vision I can't quite yet see?

If you click to Infertility Journey you'll find it ends with two blasts and six two-day embryos on ice. Except it can't actually end there, can it? It was always the plan (at least vaguely the plan) to wait til the two children we're now parenting gave us the breathing room we'd need to take another chance, and then take that chance. These days I know if we wait any longer I'll suffocate.  

My hands are full in ways I won't go into, and though I move continuously into the future, the future defies my attention when I haven't yet sorted out my present. Faintly, though, I hear myself yearning for other things. Then with regret, I remember how I loved pregnancy - I loved pregnancy - whilst admitting I don't think I can handle more parenting. We (the both of us) feel responsible for our embryos, but we no longer think the best home for them's here. 

Last month, the way forward seemed obvious, and at the same time, unexpectedly difficult. In the end I picked up the phone anyway, and offered our embryos to friends who were heading into their "one last IVF cycle", and they said if this try fails, they'd love to give our embryos a chance with them. 

Sometimes the truth reveals itself best in the moment of action. Before the call, I cried solid tears. As we hung up, I breathed in peace. 

Wish me luck with the two week wait, and I'll let you know how things turn out.


MrsSpock said...

Crossing fingers!

Aerotropolitan Comitissa said...

You're so awesome for reading after all this time!

Thanks for your crossed fingers. They'll probably know by the end of the week whether they'll be needing our embryos or not - though I guess they might take some time to recover and think things through before getting in contact with the results.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Sending so many good thoughts for this. It's a difficult place to be standing, on the cusp of not knowing if you'll be going ahead with the plan or back to square one. But exciting, too. To know that your embryoes may make a difference for someone else.

Aerotropolitan Comitissa said...

That's pretty much exactly it, LG. It's sort of a weird feeling - I'm finding distraction works ok.

Nice to see you in this space again after all this time :)

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