I have a new referral letter. It says that my GP is sending me back into the capable hands of my FS, because I am "ready to have another baby". I keep getting stuck on that line. It's not exactly what's going on.

Not that I haven't spent a great deal of energy thinking about timing, but I haven't spent much of that energy pondering over pregnancy, birth, or newborns. Instead, I've been thinking about being ready to try. I've wondered whether I'm ready to face treatments again, whether I'm ready to drag myself into the clinic at fuck-o'clock in the morning, endure repeated blood draws and self-injections, and make nice with the dildocam. Whether I'm ready to live, once again, the hurry-up-and-wait, plans-on-hold lifestyle that ART treatments demand. Whether I can handle the emotional tension of a cycle whilst staying adequately and appropriately engaged with the child I have now. I've thought about whether I can bear to open the can of worms that using up one's embryos might bring - once we start again, will we be able to stop at a sensible point, or will we get sucked, by degrees, down the vortex of I've-come-this-far-and-I'm-not-leaving-without-a-baby? I've wondered how our finances will go, with the burden of treatments, which cost - by the by - more in a month than our last little addition, and that's with excellent insurance coverage. And of course, somewhere in this, I've considered the possibility that the treatments might actually work, but to be honest, I've quickly dismissed it as being the least of my worries.

Am I ready for another baby? Truthfully, I haven't bothered answering that question. If it works out that way, I'm confident we'll cope. If it doesn't? Well, that's what concerns me.

Then again, this time I have something I didn't have before - and I'm not talking about the Prata Baby, although he is also here, it's true. What I have this time is experience. I am not bewildered, or fearful. I am not lost or anxious. I am stronger, and less brittle. I have learnt so much about coping, and recovering. I don't know yet if this will be enough to see us through, but perhaps it is enough to begin with.

I have a new referral letter, and an appointment on Thursday. I think - and I hope - we are ready.


7 Comments

Vee said...

Yay for being ready!

Well I am going to be optimistic and hoping that you won't have to worry about knowing how to cope if it doesn't work.

My Reality said...

Good luck, Bea.

Betty M said...

Good luck! I remember feeling much the same when I went back into treatment. I did feel more confident that it could work again but it was still hard.

Lut C. said...

Vortex? What vortex? I'm just going to try once more ... and maybe again after that. Sigh.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I do think I manage to feel blue mostly at work and when Linnea is in bed.

SassyMama said...

Oh, it is great to hear you are ready to try again. *sigh* there are so many mental hurdles when dealing with infertility.

Feeling hopeful for you...

Heather said...

It IS better but I worry about the vortex too.

I'm super excited for you guys!

Sarah said...

it's a huge thing to usher all that back into your life. by far the worst part of attempt #2 for me was just allowing it all back in. it was so nice to have closed that door. but once the door was open, i definitely feel that everything you've said about the experience made it so much easier. the first child makes it easier too, but the been-there-done-that is huge. best wishes!!!

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