I have a new referral letter. It says that my GP is sending me back into the capable hands of my FS, because I am "ready to have another baby". I keep getting stuck on that line. It's not exactly what's going on.

Not that I haven't spent a great deal of energy thinking about timing, but I haven't spent much of that energy pondering over pregnancy, birth, or newborns. Instead, I've been thinking about being ready to try. I've wondered whether I'm ready to face treatments again, whether I'm ready to drag myself into the clinic at fuck-o'clock in the morning, endure repeated blood draws and self-injections, and make nice with the dildocam. Whether I'm ready to live, once again, the hurry-up-and-wait, plans-on-hold lifestyle that ART treatments demand. Whether I can handle the emotional tension of a cycle whilst staying adequately and appropriately engaged with the child I have now. I've thought about whether I can bear to open the can of worms that using up one's embryos might bring - once we start again, will we be able to stop at a sensible point, or will we get sucked, by degrees, down the vortex of I've-come-this-far-and-I'm-not-leaving-without-a-baby? I've wondered how our finances will go, with the burden of treatments, which cost - by the by - more in a month than our last little addition, and that's with excellent insurance coverage. And of course, somewhere in this, I've considered the possibility that the treatments might actually work, but to be honest, I've quickly dismissed it as being the least of my worries.

Am I ready for another baby? Truthfully, I haven't bothered answering that question. If it works out that way, I'm confident we'll cope. If it doesn't? Well, that's what concerns me.

Then again, this time I have something I didn't have before - and I'm not talking about the Prata Baby, although he is also here, it's true. What I have this time is experience. I am not bewildered, or fearful. I am not lost or anxious. I am stronger, and less brittle. I have learnt so much about coping, and recovering. I don't know yet if this will be enough to see us through, but perhaps it is enough to begin with.

I have a new referral letter, and an appointment on Thursday. I think - and I hope - we are ready.