Short Version: plans from here on out.
My mother asked what my plans were for returning to work. "Plans?" I thought. "Oh yeah - those things. I remember them now." I remembered them so well, in fact, that soon I was devising a quite elaborate one with Mr Bea, involving talk of frosties, breastfeeding goals, adoption, career choices, more international moves, and the astounding array of pros and cons that complicates family building with infertility.
"What would you prefer to do," he asked me, after we'd tied ourselves in knots via that old, familiar routine of looking for a perfect solution that doesn't exist.
"I'd prefer..." and I trailed off to consider my answer. "I'd prefer to take the rest of 2008 off being infertile. Let's pretend, between now and New Year's Eve, that we can fall pregnant again any time we want. I'll plan on finishing this degree, you'll plan on continuing your job here, we'll organise our holidays like people who aren't thinking about treatment cycles, we'll watch our son grow up as if nothing ever threatened to keep him from us, and we'll come back to these confusing questions in 2009." It sounded good to both of us. It still sounds very good. And it brings me to the purpose of this post.
Anonymous reminded me - and rightly enough - to move my blog out of blogher's trying to conceive category, and into the parenting one. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to, because I'm not planning on turning this into a parenting blog. Since the beginning, this has been the tale of our struggle with primary infertility. It has not been the tale of my career, my hobbies, my family and friends, my full autobiographical history, or my everyday perambulations through the town in which I live. Such things have been mentioned, but only as tangents to the main story. And I feel like the birth was part of that story*. But I also feel like everything to come is not. And despite flirting with the conceit that I want to close this blog in order to "give the infertility blogosphere a happily-ever-after ending" - which is what I came up with when I started drafting this post in my head - the truth is I just want a break from being infertile.
I'll keep this blog open for posts on general infertility or the infertility blogging community. Our personal story is going password-protected (email me, but I'll have to know who you are), although I can't promise the frequent updates you've slogged through enjoyed here. I plan to keep reading and commenting - I would love to see everyone I've come to know resolve their infertility, one way or another, and keep up with the friends I have made along the way. I may be back. Perhaps I will pick up the thread again on a quest for #2. Or perhaps - well, who knows? These are questions for 2009.
In the meantime, thankyou. Thanks for the comments, the emails, the pressies and cards, for coming on board with some whacky activity or other, for linking, for talking, for reading, for being there, for making this doable. I'm not sure what the journey would have been like without you, but I'm very sure it would have been much, much worse, and fuck, it was bad enough already.
And because I never know quite how to sign off on these things except by falling back on a lame cliche - all the best. I hope happiness finds you, or you it.
--
*After some deliberation, I chose an obvious title for that post. I didn't want people "accidentally" clicking over to find a birth story. I wanted a title which announced, in bold, neon writing, that it was not a post for a bad day. Perhaps just seeing the title upset some people. I didn't honestly think I could get away without causing any upset to anyone at all - infertility can be too sensitive a place. Hopefully what I chose was the best possible compromise. Apologies if it still stung.
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30 Comments
I understand your reasoning, Bea. Enjoy your 2008 break from everything IF related, and best of luck with the baybea,
J
I'm so glad you let me be a part of your journey and I look forward to being there for chapter 2, when the time's right for you.
Enjoy your little baybea :-) and if you ever feel like writing, you know my email :-).
All the very best for you all too. I have only come to your blog recently but I have very much liked your voice so I will miss hearing more of you. I completely understand though having been there myself (although I am still finding it hard to leave infertile me behind). I know that it can be disconcerting to find a blogger totally dropping off the map without knowing why so it is good to know that you are doing it. I will keep you on my Blog.lines and will look forward to reading more from you as and when (or if) you want to share in 2009. Good luck Bea, Mr Bea and BabyBea.
Bea - I wanted to send huge congratulations on the birth of babybea. xx And I have, of course, to read on - are you goin to be at the other blog?
I'll be watching the other site for updates. I hope there will be some soon! :-)
I think that is a very healthy approach to the future.
I am so glad for the happy ever after and I will be watching this space for episode two and the other blog for current updates.
I want to first congratulate you again on the arrival of the lil BayBea!
I also want to wish you the best of luck in this new journey. May your travels be joyous and peaceful.
I would love to continue to follow your story, but I certainly understand if you'd prefer to keep these new chapters more private. Message me on facebook for the email/password goodies, if you feel its appropriate.
Best of luck Bea, I understand the need to be pwp, but I plan to follow on, so you'll be hearing from me!
I hope 2008 will be a good break for you to focus on other things.
WOW, I feel so honored to have read and gone through this with you. I understand the break and the the next year will be filled with lots of wonder and awe I can promise you that. I would love to be able to share that with you but understand if you can't or won't.
Let's just see how things go, huh?
All the best to you ,BayBea and Mr Bea. You will never know how happy I am for all of you.
*cyber hugs*
Kir
Oh Bea!!!!
What am i going to do without you?!
I totally understand and agree with your taking time of from fertility. Makes sense. I don't see myself even trying for more if (please G-d) TP makes it out healthy so i hadn't thought about the whole issue rearing up again.
I"m so so so happy and pleased that baybea is here safe and sound and wish you all the happiness in the world to enjoy him and Mr Bea.
You've been a great blogger friend and i'd love to have your password when you get set up.
Lots of love Portia xxx
You are still here, you are still around, you are still writing (is the new blog the other blog or an entirely new space and if it is an entirely new space, may I keep reading?), so why do I feel a little ache over this post? Because of the familiarity of the header and this space?
Not to compare you to a grocery store. But it's sort of like when they remodel and you know it's better once you get familiar with the new set up (or it's still the same underneath), but it just makes you a little sad when you remember the old location for the apples.
Am I the only one who gets emotional about grocery stores?
Thanks for sharing with us. I hope that your path is a happy one.
One part of me is saying, "That's so healthy and good for her! Enjoy your break!" The other part is saying, "Nooooooo! We'll miss your presence so much!" You know which one you should listen to right? Yup.. the one that's less selfish of me. ;)
Love your blogging. Look for an email.
I think taking the rest of the year off is a wonderful idea.
I would love to follow your story, will this comment suffice? Or are you still going to make me email you? :)
It has been amazing following your journey. My journey would have been so much harder without you.
I'd love to follow your new journey and will e-mail you for the password.
Enjoy your family.
It's so amazing, this journey you've had. I know the feeling to want to take a break from infertility, to take a break from being where you were, to start a new chapter so to speak.
I wish you the very best.
Helen (aka Vanessa)
You are my number one commenter based on my blog stats. Congrats on that score. More importantly, I hope you can find peace in a non-IF-centric life. You deserve it my friend. Enjoy your hard-won and new-found chapter.
I understand. And I'll miss you, very much, on your break.
Are you going to babyblog anywhere, Bea? I am more than interested in keeping up with you!! I would hate to see you drop off the face of (my) earth! :)
A break from IF...what a lovely idea!!
I wish you all the best and would love to keep up with you at a pwp blog. I'm sending you a message...take care of yourself, babybea and MrBea! Much love to you all!
Bea, while I understand your reasoning I cannot help but feel that we are losing something previous. Don't get me wrong, a break from IF sounds like bliss, I guess I'll just miss your updates. Are you going to blog anywhere else? If so I would LOVE to keep up?
Take care of yourself, the Babea and of course Mr Bea. :)
Oh, Bea! I'll miss you so much! I mean, I'm so happy for you, but so heartbroken for the void that you're leaving in the blogosphere. Can I keep reading on the other blog?
I'll miss you, but I'm happy to spare you for such a happy reason. ;-)
I don't know what you mean by 'knowing' people here. I would like to read your new blog, but I'm not such a great commenter.
I'd love to keep up with the next volume in the story.....
Volume I - Mrs. Bea
Volume II - Mr. Bea
Volume III - Baybea
Yeah, sign me up.......
I am so thrilled for you! Congratulations on your lovely son!
Your plans for 2008 are the best I've ever heard. So very thrilled for you. Now go enjoy your family.
(Of course I'd love to keep reading along, anywhere,anytime about anything if you'll have me.)
I will send you my email on EB and hopefully will be honoured with access :D
I applaud your choices!!!
Please keep in touch by reading and commenting on our blogs when you can.
XOXO
Hey - Congrats!!
I'd love the invite to the new blog.
Congrats to Mr, Mrs and Baby Bea. Enjoy the world outside of infertility. As someone who no longer really thinks about it but for whom it used to consume every waking thought, I can assure you that it's a wonderful feeling. Enjoy watching you little boy grow. It's a cliche but the time really really does fly so savour every single second of it. My youngest (by all of 45 seconds) walked for the first time today. It was incredible to watch
All the very best for the future.
Richard
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