Short Version: latest appointment update, probably inducing Friday if no progress. Then some musings about the fundamentals of marriage, during which I discuss infertility and baby names.

I suppose I should update you on our latest appointment. After monitoring everything possible, no problems have been detected. I am feeling reassured for now. If nothing happens by Friday, however, we will probably try to induce. I rung Mr Bea to report on the appointment and told him that, whatever happens, he should avoid scheduling work meetings early next week since he'll no doubt be on paternity leave. This seems to have made him irritable. Husbands.

--

"The trouble with all your name suggestions," I said to Mr Bea, "is that they're far too common."

"One of my requirements is that the name be recognisably common," he retorted.

Seeing the impasse, I pressed my fingers to my temples and said, "I wish you'd told me your baby naming policy years ago. I could have gone off and married a whole different person."

He looked at me strangely - carefully - as if deciding how to react. Then he broke into the grin I was expecting and turned back towards the computer to google the biography of the most famous person to hold the name under current consideration.

It was a flippant comment, til he paused. I guess, in hindsight, it's kind of strange. You know, what with the male factor infertility and so forth. What with the IVF and the OHSS and the years of misery and loss and so forth. I'll admit I sometimes thought about how different our lives might be if he was fertile. I even remember asking myself, once or twice, if I'd trade him in for a different model with proper sperm. It never took long to answer no, of course not. It was like asking if I'd prefer to die than to struggle with infertility. Fertile or infertile, I always thought of him as the right choice of husband - there's more to the package than genes, after all. There's being able to navigate the maze of challenges life can throw at a marriage. You can't just pick that up at a sperm bank.

Baby naming, on the other hand - now there's something to make you consider your alternatives. I mean, this is the first time we've differed fundamentally over an important parenting decision which will affect our child for the duration of his life. These things, so seemingly surmountable next to the years of barrenness and grief, these are the real tests. It's not the biggest crises you have to watch out for, but the problems which most show your weakness and differences. The creeping catastrophes; the questions upon which you just can't agree. Sometimes the deal-breaker isn't donor versus IVF versus adoption, it's Billy versus Bobby versus Benjamin. On the home stretch of an apparently healthy pregnancy, it's worth keeping that in mind.

(Thankfully, we have made headway on a shortlist.)


21 Comments

Rachel Inbar said...

Many people I've spoken to believe in some sort of divine intervention in naming your baby. I never did, until the name Nomi popped into my head (when Nomi was 4 days old & nameless, with her naming scheduled for 3 days later), after which, no other name was even an option... and I'd never considered the name Nomi before that. I was so convinced that it was the perfect name for her that Ohad had no choice but to agree (and we both love it now).

Ohad and I went through a gazillion names each time (this included lots of wild laughter and lots of "You're kidding, right? - Oh, you're not..." by both of us, but when it came down to it, we tested the names on the baby and were able to agree each time - always within a week.

This is a good problem to have :-)

Vee said...

I asked myself the same question about trading Max in for someone with sperm and resulted in the same answer.

I am glad you have been reassured and all is going well.
I got a fright when just saw your ticker and it said there were 11 days to go! I thought there was a change of plans.

A shortlist is good, it's progress.

Heather said...

I always disliked my name...and it never killed me. So, whatever you choose they will live with, no big deal.

TeamWinks said...

We didn't get to choose Lucky's name, and so unfortunately we've never had this debate. I hope you two find a name you can both love. :-)

Aurelia said...

I get this...seriously, there are lots of things you might want to discuss in terms of childrearing that will drive you a bit crazy.

My husband and I thought we agreed on everything, but really, not so much as the kids got older.

My best assvice? Decide what really matters and what is most important in terms of your beliefs and values and compromising, and what are your absolute lines in the sand.

Make the absolutes as few as possible and then be prepared to move and negotiate on as much as possible.

Betty M said...

Don't get too hung up on the popularity of names. A friend had decided on one name and proudly announced that it wasn't even on the top 100 for 2007 which was her top requirement. I had to break it to her that where we lived I knew 3 of the same name amongst my daughter's friends / acquaintances. Freakonomics has a great chapter on naming and life chances.
I bet the perfect name will just come to you both.

Piccinigirl said...

I too never thought about handing in Mr Kir for anyone else, but in my clomid fogs, I did often tell him that "maybe your first wife would have been a very fertile woman, you could have been a daddy by now". He would just "look" at me.
we also had the name discussion, I was actually going to blog about how the boys got their names and how we didn't fight about them, but it did bring up a lot of discussion and in Mr Kir's case, a lot of compromise to make me happy. Maybe I still will.
In any case, Baby Bea will have a wonderful name, chosen for him because you love him. Thanks for helping me look at that dilemma from a new place, a new perspective.

*hug* FRIDAY??? I can hardly wait!

The Town Criers said...

Is it a slippery slope? First it's differing on names and then it's whether the baby sleeps in your bedroom or not...

I named the Wolvog out of nowhere about two years before he was born. We had the ChickieNob's first name but not her middle name. We opened a book and there it was and we closed the book and the rest is history.

Not on Fire said...

For us, we didn't try to get a final name before the birth. Not out of a superstition but because I wanted to meet him before I gave him a name. I wanted to be sure that the name fit. I know that my second son got a name that wasn't even on the list because none of the names that we had picked suited him.

I am hoping that you have a easy successful Friday!

SarahSews said...

Wow, Friday is so soon! Yay!

As for names, Scott and I chose our children's names before we were married. We talked about them often in the years we were TTC, like what would Grace be like or will Charlie have cousins (he has 5 already!). Like a bunch of other things, it wasn't something I thought I would do but it suits us in the moment and we sure hope it suits him when he arrives!

Jess said...

Oooh, soon Bea, very soon!

Apart from the name, are you ready?

We chose Ava's name with her birthfamily...though we were the ones who came up with the first name (ironically chosen out of a magazine randomly while I was on bedrest after Ethan's IVF). Ethan we chose because we liked it a long time ago.

I hope you find the perfect name soon!!

My Reality said...

I wouldn't trade my husband for one with a normal sperm count, either.

Good luck narrowing down a name.

Anonymous said...

Good luck Beau, just popped in to see what's happening.
K

Ellen K. said...

I'll keep my low-morph man, thanks. But, yes, I have wondered... probably as he has wondered what it would be like to be married to a superfertile woman with whom he might have had a better chance of conceiving spontaneously. The joys of combined IF!

Bea said...

For Aurelia: the thing is, we've already discussed, at length, every parenting thing we can think of, from infant care to tertiary education and beyond. Which means the stumbling blocks are all going to be things we haven't thought of, and probably aren't going to until they catch us unawares.

For Melissa: I don't think it's a slippery slope, exactly. More a reminder to not take things for granted just because external circumstances are favourable at the moment.

General comment: I think we will take the approach a couple have suggested above and wait til after the birth for the final decision. Mr Bea is quite keen on doing it that way.

And we'll try to remember it's not the be-all and end-all if the kid (or someone else) doesn't like it!

Bea

m said...

The one and only time I asked A about trading me in for a 'fertile' he laughed so I kind of let it go....

OMG FRIDAY!!!!

x

Bea said...

Nearly forgot Betty - isn't that Freakonomics thing on names interesting? Well, I found it interesting, too.

Bea

Geohde said...

My husband can only come up with his mothers name, his brothers name or his nephews name.The babies are female. Original, much?

Oh, and he also thinks we have 'lots of time' to decide, all evidence to the contrary aside.

Good luck with the induction, if it comes to that,

J

Liza said...

Starting about 2 weeks before my EDD, we were nowhere near having a name.

Each of us wrote down our top 5 choices that the other had not absolutely vetoed, and then every night at bedtime, we picked one name to call the baby for the next 24 hours.

Our first choices barely survived the 24 hour windows, but by the end of the week, we were in agreement on a first name. Then we started over again with middle names. Good thing the baby was a week late.

Lut C. said...

Good luck finding a name on time!

Jess said...

So...Friday is here...what's the verdict? Any news???

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