Short Version: I discuss anxiety, especially - this will shock you - in terms of infertility and subsequent pregnancy.

I was talking to my mother about the GTT. She said, "Well, it's true - there's no need to worry about asking. He already knows you're over-anxious."

"I'm not over-anxious," I replied indignantly. "I've been very calm."

My mother starting making harsh choking noises over the phone. It was most juvenile and undignified.

Besides, I have been calm. Take this last week, for instance - The Foetus didn't seem to be moving very much, but did I freak out? Ok, but let me ask you this: did I totally freak out? No. I freaked out in a very quiet, contained manner, until Caro and Cibele posted identical concerns, and then I swapped from freaking out to something more in the line of persistent worrying, and then last night I felt several almighty kicks and today The Foetus seems to be moving around more than ever. I think he may have turned. And one day, he is going to get such a hiding for being around the wrong way in the first place, he'll- well, in time-honoured fashion I shall just end with dot dot dot.

Also, I think I deserve credit for all the things I have not worried about during this pregnancy:

Will childbirth hurt?
What if I end up with a caesarian scar on my abdomen?
Aren't I getting a bit behind on my Master's degree work?
Should I be buying any baby stuff or booking any prenatal classes?

Arguably, I probably should be worrying about some of these things, or perhaps not worrying, but actually just dealing with them. The Master's degree work, for example. I am actually just about back on track with that now, by the way, but I really should keep up this pace for a couple of months yet, so forgive me if my travels around blogland are a little slow. As for the other things, I don't need to worry about them because I already know the answers. For example, the first two answers are, "Yes," and, "I'll get over it," whereas the last one is, "Meh."

There's a lot of talk about infertility and its ongoing gifts of doubt and apprehension, but I wanted to stop and point out the concerns it takes away.

For the rest, in a surprising turn of events, there's my Grandma. I haven't seen my maternal Grandma in years. She's been dead, you see. But over the last few months she's been appearing to me in dreams - something that's never really happened before.

"You look well," I said when I saw her the first time, and I then I cringed because really, what sort of greeting is that for your long-late Grandmother? But she just smiled an amused smile and replied, "So do you." Then she glanced at my abdomen and added, "It's good to see you like this."

The last time I saw her she did seem distracted, and I asked if something was wrong. "No," she said, but it sounded unconvincing, so I pushed a little more. "Nothing you should be worrying about," she told me firmly, and I knew this was her last word on the matter. Her insistence had an amazing effect.

The thing is, I don't do soothing. Logically, we all know how much could still go wrong, and that it's possible things could go wrong for us. If you tell me otherwise, I will know you're lying. So the soothing approach never helps at all - in fact, it hinders. It dismisses my legitimate fears, magnifying them without helping me accept and deal with them. When my grandmother spoke I felt, not as if I hadn't any reason to worry, but as if I was simply not permitted.

Only Grandmas can set rules like that. I hope she comes again some day.


16 Comments

Rachel Inbar said...

I'm glad you got a chance to 'see' your Grandma again :-) I remember having a dream about my grandfather when I was pregnant with Hadas (he had also passed away about 7 years earlier) and he told me he was happy for me. It was weird, but also really special and I still remember the dream very well (from nearly 15 years ago). I feel like it's the last time I really saw him.

Caro said...

Have to admit I'm worrying about the scar aspect. I scar terribly, my supposedly invisible scar on my boob from a lump removal years ago is huge.

Great that you saw your grandmother.

Vee said...

That is beautiful that your Grandma came to visit.

And I think you are doing great on the freak out front, very calm indeed.

Beagle said...

FWIW, I do think you've been handling this all very calmly. See, in our world, that's all relative. Calm can mean, as you say, not totally freaking out. And THAT is quite an accomplishment when you consider all the factors added by infertility.

I love the idea of visiting with the no-longer-on-earth in a dream. I do hope she visits again.

serenity said...

No disrespect intended, I think your mum is wrong - you are doing fantastic, given everything you've been through.

I love that your Grandma comes to see you in your dreams.

Ellen K. said...

Oh, wow. I would love to visit with my grandma in a dream. She died when I was 17.

I think you're doing well and I hope your grandma's anxiety is just part of the dream.

Heather said...

That gave me chills. The good kind of chills, like when I hear beautiful singing... I think it is awesome that she is coming to you.

And it is true, things can always go wrong. People who have never had any problems can have their car break down on their way to the biggest meeting ever, in a snowstorm, when they are out on a back road with no one around and no cell signal...

But worry never helps (as my grandmother would say).

But while I think you shouldn't worry, I do think you should at least consider options for prenatal classes.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

That is so cool your grandmother visits you! I wish my grandfather did.

For what it is worth I think you are doing a great job at handling this whole pregnancy thing fabulously!

Karaoke Diva said...

I can't give any advice on the worrying because I still worry all the freaking time and I haven't gone through half of what you have.

I can say that my doc said it's normal at this stage for there to be periods of inactivity or at least activity that isn't felt. Because I did freak out and call the doc when he didn't move as often for a few days.

I can definitely give advice on the C-section scar. If you end up taking that route, it's honestly not that bad. The scar will be about 4 inches long and right above the pubic hair line. You and your slim little self will be able to wear a bikini with no one being the wiser. And after a few years it turns silvery white and since you are fair (as I am) it won't be terribly noticeable.

Jess said...

I think that if you're upright during pg after IF and not in a crying heap on the ground, you're good.

Glad you got to "see" your grandma again.

Schatzi said...

I think you are doing great in the Infertile-and-now-pregnant worry department. Me? This week I found myself worrying about whether or not I will worry too much when pregnant...

I just looked on the right side bar and saw less than 100 days left. And got a little tingle down my spine for you. :-)

My Reality said...

I hope your grandma comes back to visit soon.

I can answer one of your questions for you - childbirth will hurt. Not that I know from experience, just what I have heard. I think you are being perfectly reasonable with all of these things.

Barb said...

I completely agree with what you say about not having people soothe fears you know you have good reason to have, and having that just make it worse. MY (not late) paternal grandmother has been doing that a lot lately, and it just upsets me. She doesn't seem to be good at setting the rules yours did. ;)

And I agree with you on the NON worries as well. The pain of childbirth, or the difficulty of it are the farthest concerns from my mind if/when I ever get pregnant. I used to worry about how bad it would be all the time. Now I'm just as you said about other stuff.. meh.

That being said, you have passed some pretty big milestones, so your odds are better. Is that a good response? ;-)

Lut C. said...

You're doing great!

That dream sounds very out-of-this-worldy!

GLouise said...

Ah, how wonderful to see your grandma like that.

Cibele said...

I' ve been accused of being over-anxious as well. I worry about so many things that is it exhausting some times. I think that you're doing great and we only worry because we care so much about our babies. I am glad to hear that your baby is active again!!!! mine had a very active day yesterday too.

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