I get the forms through on Thursday, and I look at them. Legalese and a few spaces for signatures, or in other words, all our parental rights. I mean yes, we can withdraw our consent any time til the embryos thaw, but this is the part where we have to actively give them over.
So I look at the forms and I contact a couple of friends. "Can I ask you a favour?" I say. "Can you try to talk me out of it?"
I get various reactions. The first friend asks if I'm sure I'm being wise. "Does your husband want me to do this?" she says.
The second can see the sense in it and nods slowly. "That's a hard one, though," she admits. "Let me have a think and get back to you."
The third jumps on the suggestion with an enthusiasm bordering on glee, but immediately starts prefacing sentences with, "Now, I'm just trying to do the job you gave me here..." When he hits the first tough point he looks positively apprehensive.
But through the conversation with this third friend, I realise something: I'm not very worried about how I'll feel later. Will I experience grief watching this potential child reach milestones? Interact with my own children? Weather hardships? I don't know, but I don't care - I know why we've made this decision, and I'll get through the rest, either way.
The questions that still play on my mind come this weekend involve the feelings of other people: Will our children resent our choice? How will our parents feel? And to a certain extent they involve boundaries: How much should we give? In the best case/in the worst case? It could be a fine line, and there'll always be someone who disagrees with us on where to draw it.
I'm still waiting on my first two friends, and in the meantime, you know this merry-go-round better than either of them. And I'm ready, at this point, to hear the worst of whatever anyone has to say. So I wonder, if it's not too much trouble, can I ask you a favour? Can you try to talk me out of it?
Go.
So I look at the forms and I contact a couple of friends. "Can I ask you a favour?" I say. "Can you try to talk me out of it?"
I get various reactions. The first friend asks if I'm sure I'm being wise. "Does your husband want me to do this?" she says.
The second can see the sense in it and nods slowly. "That's a hard one, though," she admits. "Let me have a think and get back to you."
The third jumps on the suggestion with an enthusiasm bordering on glee, but immediately starts prefacing sentences with, "Now, I'm just trying to do the job you gave me here..." When he hits the first tough point he looks positively apprehensive.
But through the conversation with this third friend, I realise something: I'm not very worried about how I'll feel later. Will I experience grief watching this potential child reach milestones? Interact with my own children? Weather hardships? I don't know, but I don't care - I know why we've made this decision, and I'll get through the rest, either way.
The questions that still play on my mind come this weekend involve the feelings of other people: Will our children resent our choice? How will our parents feel? And to a certain extent they involve boundaries: How much should we give? In the best case/in the worst case? It could be a fine line, and there'll always be someone who disagrees with us on where to draw it.
I'm still waiting on my first two friends, and in the meantime, you know this merry-go-round better than either of them. And I'm ready, at this point, to hear the worst of whatever anyone has to say. So I wonder, if it's not too much trouble, can I ask you a favour? Can you try to talk me out of it?
Go.
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Have you gathered any perspectives of donor conceived children? http://anonymousus.org/stories/
Have you looked at perspectives of birthparents who have placed for adoption? The feeling may be the same, even though you won't give birth.
How will you feel if this family suddenly changes their mind about openness? Do you want contact and updates on this potential child? How would you feel if they no longer want to provide what you agreed upon?
So grateful for your reply! I know I'm putting people on the spot here.
Just checking out the website now. I have read similar stuff in the past but it's all really stuffed in there in the one place, and very raw.
I guess given the situation it would be hard (though not I guess impossible) for the couple to disappear off our radar completely (too many connections) but certainly there's potential for not being in synch with each other's expectations. To be honest, I find it hard to figure out in advance exactly how much I want. I guess my plan would be to try and focus more on how much the kids want and let the adults kind of deal with that - but of course there's more than one kid in that equation as well, and they might not be in synch, either.
Thanks so much for this. I'll go get googling for more stories as you suggest.
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