And I've been holding out on you. Sorry about that, I just didn't have it in me to post.

Tuesday the 26th was beta day. So of course I went in on Monday. And of course it was positive. Again. But not very. Again. However, despite previous experience I spent the whole of Monday in a delusional state where I believed - and I mean really believed - that this was it. I worked out my due date. I fretted about how to break the news to my cycle buddy, Jules, who that same day was picking up the pieces of another failed cycle. I decided to sleep on it.

On Tuesday common sense returned. Today I had a followup beta. hCG is dropping. Again. This time, unlike in the past, I've had morning sickness. It's still here. Just a little dry retching at the start and the end of the day. The spotting has continued at a constant rate.

I don't want to do another transfer. Not yet. I've lost my faith and I need to go wandering in the desert for a time. And the clinic agrees - they want me to wait things out pending further investigation. I am currently sticking with the plan of investigating in October, and going to Singapore in November. I don't know when the next cycle will be. I think it would be best to give it a rest until next year, but we all know how tempting it is to come back for more. I guess I'll still be around. You might have to put up with stories about my normal life.

Overall, I'm ok. I'm crying a little, but my tears are gentle and there is peace in this letting go.


Meg said...

Yes, please, a break, Bea. You have been doing back to back FETS for months, my friend. I don't know how you have even lasted it out this long. Honestly I don't.

I hope they figure everything out. Soon.

I am sorry.

Jules said...


I don't know what to say.

My problem is not getting/or barely getting any HCG result. Yours is trying to get it to rise.

Thank you so much for thinking of me, while still going through so much. I wondered when I saw you lurking, but not posting on EB. I thought it my have been a BFN, but this outcome is worse.

Has your FS said anything, that may point to what's going on? I think after the chat with my FS yesterday, I know my problem, but just don't want to admit it.

As Mel said, you have been doing back-to-back cycles for ages. Although mentally it might not help, physical, a break will be a blessing. Away from all the drugs & at peace(so to speak).

Who knows, a Singapore fling might solve the problem. Ok, my jokes aren't funny.

Just take care & stay in touch. Let me know of any test or research that you come up with.

I'm like you. I'll try anything.


Bea said...

Jules - just had to say - I don't think it is worse.

I've had straight negatives - all those cycles where we tried to conceive naturally, the AIH cycles, that one IVF cycle that actually didn't work at all (with our best embryo yet, too - how ironic).

I'm not just saying this - sometimes I actually hope for low beta rather than no beta at all. Other times I just wish it would come back negative. It's not worse, just a different type of bad.

And thanks, Meg.


lola said...

Bea, I am so sorry and I think that your decision sounds like the best one for now. Maybe not forever, but for now.

Take good care of yourself. You are in my thoughts & prayers.


Serenity said...

Oh Bea.

I am so sorry.

I agree with Jules and Meg - physically a break might do your body some good. Let it get back to stasis.

Mentally? Emotionally? That's another story. I have never been good with taking a break.

Love to you right now. I do hope you can get some answers soon.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, Bea.

soralis said...

Oh bea I am soooo sorry.

Big hug is about all i've got for you.

Take care

Hopeful Mother said...

Bea, I'm sorry about your news. I agree with your plan to wander through the desert for a bit before figuring out your next steps.

Please take care of yourself, Bea. We are all thinking of you here.

Lut C. said...

I'm so sorry the news wasn't better.
Though it's hard to tear away from all this, a break sounds very sensible.

Anonymous said...

Oh shit Bea !
I'm so sorry, but like everyone says a break will be good. Go and see Mr Bea and get him to give you lots of big hugs.

That is ok we can put up with stories of your normal life for a while ;-)

Take care

StellaNova said...

I'm so sorry honey. It sounds like you're at peace with your plan ... but it doesn't mean it's an easier one to make. What kind of investigation do they have in mind for October?

Thanks for thinking of me through your own pain - and remembering - yes, it is today - I'm heading off in about half an hour now.

thinking of you,

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry Bea
I wish there was something more I could so
take care

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