I awoke, that sunny morning, and had my breakfast. I kissed Mr Bea on the cheek, asked him if he'd be home when I returned from my blood test, and when he said no, I asked casually if he'd like to meet for lunch, in the gardens, in the city. Yes, he said, that sounded nice. And he kissed me back, and I left.

On my way home from town, I gathered a few things. Fresh scones. A little jar of fig jam and some thickened cream. Shaved champaign ham, fresh croissants, some sort of exotically-flavoured juice to wash it all down. At the last minute I added a rocket leaf salad and a couple of cheese-stuffed peppers in olive oil.

By the time I came home and packed it into the picnic basket, the results were in. A nice high beta.

Filled with the boldness of our achievement, I took a sports bag into which I smuggled the dog for the duration of the train ride. It felt like a family occasion, after all.

I remember the river - it sparkled. And the dog sitting angelically on the edge of the picnic mat, patiently waiting for her treat. I remember the look on Mr Bea's face when I told him the news, and how it echoed that look he gave me at the altar, almost exactly seven years ago, just before we kissed as husband and wife. Even the simple rememberance of that look melts my heart away.

It was the most perfect day of all.

The most perfect of all the days that never happened. And never will.

In the archive of my mind, I wipe a few tears and shelve volume 29. And then I leave, locking the wire cage door. Because the time for nostalgic indulgences has once again passed by, and there is work to do.


Bea said...


News just in: our SCSA is normal.


So the problem is my eggs, which is probably just the OHSS. So:

a) if our other embryos are just as bad, we should (hopefully) be able to start again at square one, without the OHSS.

b) we can freeze Mr Bea's sperm in case he can't make it back for the next stim cycle.

c) there's always the chance it might not be that simple but then there's PGD and ok that's hard and a long road and also there's still the problem with the bleeding in the luteal phase and what the hell is that about not even a good embryo has much of a chance with that but shutup shutup shutup.


Jules said...

Even though we know it may not work, we hope that next time will be the one.

If my FETs fail, my next stim cycle will be PGD. At least then we'll know what we're up with.

This may be " Volume 29, Chapter 62, The Book Of Things That Never Were", but "Volume 30, Chapter 15", may be The Book Of Things That We Always Dreamed Of.

Thinking of you.

StellaNova said...

We can tell ourselves to shutup as much as we like ... but we're just too stubborn ... we never listen!!

I hope you'll be able to revisit those 'what if's' and make them your reality.

And now, it sounds like you're going to have a plan ...

ellie said...

Good plan. I am currently on plan B myself. Um, maybe i should say I am on plan B with my DH- in reading that over I thought the clarification was important. :) I hope your next cycle goes well and I am glad that you are feeling Ok.

Meg said...

Great, Bea. I'm so glad to hear about the latest results.

Keep us updated. Can they do things about the luteal phase stuff or am I an ignoramus?

Bea said...

Actually, I'm going to reply here as well.

Jules - gotta write that book someday.

Ellie - just popped over to your blog. Hope you survive your DH's absence.

Thanks, peoples. It does help to have something to move onto so quickly.


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