There is something wrong with me.
But they don't know what.

Dr flips backwards and forwards through my paperwork with a worried frown slapped across his face, until eventually his expression crumples under the strain and he rubs his eyes and temples in frustration.

Blood tests this morning, more jabs, and he says he wants to book me for a hysteroscopy and/or curette before the next transfer. He also wants to run more tests on Mr Bea's sperm. Yes, more than 30% of our embryos should be making it through the thaw. He's stopped talking about our "family in the freezer" and has begun alluding to our next EPU.

Then there is an awkward pause, and he adds, almost guiltily, "Unless this round works, of course."

Of course.

But his words lack the force of belief.

*Update Ends*
I need to write some things down. Feedback is welcome.

Item One

Eleven days til beta, and it looks like I'm getting my period. That's right - 5 days post 3 day transfer. This happened last time. Yes, I've tried to call the clinic - no-one is in at this time on a Sunday. If I leave it alone, the progesterone/hCG injections will keep things down to a light spotting for the next eleven days, and then we'll get our negative. I don't have time for this shit. I am going in tomorrow.

These embryos - crappy and excellent alike - are not even getting a chance. What's wrong with me?

Item Two

Yesterday was the official opening of the Adoption Talks. Mr Bea thinks we're being premature, but the fact is we're planning a move to Singapore. We currently live in the anti-adoption capital of the world. Expressions of interest open intermittently each few years, and from there it takes another three or so years for baby to arrive - providing you go with the faster inter-country option. Couples have been told (I read it in the newspaper) by the relevant state department, that if they're serious about adoption they should consider relocating outside Queensland.

We're moving to Singapore. There we have the opportunity to adopt within 6-12 months. I have announced my resolution to return home (to live, visits don't count) with a child. One way or the other.

Item Three

Mr Bea has just started trying to work through the ethical issues associated with adoption. In contrast to his opinion of eight months ago, he no longer sees this as "option two" above sperm donation. He talks about his sperm quality in tones of acceptance. It's beautiful.

I don't expect to commence any adoption procedings until at least 2008. Talks about embryo/sperm donation are scheduled, but have not yet begun.

Item Four

We ended with another game of hypotheticals. I asked Mr Bea if he'd donate his sperm. He said yes immediately, in a tone which suggested he hadn't thought very seriously about it because he wasn't really expecting anyone to ask.

But the fact is, he does have sperm. And donors are so rare, people are using IVF anyway. Ok, so you'd have to add ISCI, and there's the whole issue of passing on male infertility. On the other hand, he has many outstanding qualities, and a clean medical bill otherwise. Heck, I find his sperm not only acceptable, but actually desirable.

The hypothetical finished there, unresolved. I'd given myself a hCG injection and fell asleep pretty much mid-sentence on the couch. When I woke up, I was bleeding, and I couldn't contact the clinic.

But then I read Richard's latest post and the question re-emerged... is an infertile donor better than none? Or not?

Hypothetically speaking?


ColourYourWorld said...

Hypothetically you only need one sperm.
Yes I think an infertile donor is better than one, but once you are actually going through the process you really want to be in it with good chance. The more fertile the better, but that is obvious.

Hopefully Mr Bea is right and this is all too premature.

StellaNova said...

Hey hon ... are you really bleeding, or could it be implantation? It's pretty soon for a period to be starting. I know you've probably already considered that option - I hope the clinic tomorrow can be more useful.

It's good to have the hypothetical conversations - just to know where everything stands, even if you don't follow all of the 'what if's'. Glad you're able to keep all of the lines of communication open.

soralis said...

I am so sorry that your cycle is messing with you. Hope it all works out in the end.

Meg said...

Bea - So do they have any idea what is going on? Or is all just running around in the dark?

I hope you get some answers and soon.

In the meantime I will think of you and hope the spotting is not what you think it is.


Anonymous said...

Hi Bea,

My opinion only, feel free to ignore if you like :), but, have you considered a second opinion re treatment?

My hubbie and I are also fertily challenged and after several cycles of disappointment, we have gone to a new doc and a new clinic, and they're trying ome new things. No results just yet, but it feels a little better to know that we're not just doing the same as we always have done before but expecting a different result. Just a though.

Good Luck. I wish you well. I wish us all well. IF sucks.

Bea said...

Hey, guys.

Suz - the second opinion is always an option to consider. But after madly searching the ol' net (yes, I know, Dr Google, but you see I also use Dr Medline and Dr Pubmed which can make my brain go runny but I are much more trustworthy) I am forced to admit that what he recommends is not only right, but actually the blindingly obvious, very uncontroversial first clinical choice.

Meg - no, he can't tell me what's going on, but my list of symptoms and tests to date scream, "Do a hysteroscopy and have a look!" louder than anything. He's right, he's right. Even an amateur like me with a Medline password can find that out in an hour or less.

Stella - I thought implantation when the same thing happened last cycle, so I didn't rush in. When I mentioned it after our (very firmly no implantation here) negative beta, FS said it wasn't either normal or good.

Vee - yep, I think you've hit the hypothetical nail on its hypothetical head there.

DH was actually concerned he wouldn't be "allowed" to donate, but my opinion was it would be part of his medical history and something for the receiving couple to decide. After all, you can donate embryos and one or the other partner is infertile there, hey?


GZ said...

It sounds like you are having an exceptionally tough cycle.

Keep us posted, and I will be thinkig of you.

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