I can't remember whose message did it, but I finally had to cry today. The comments, the emails... you've been more than sweet.

I've been fine. Apart from a couple of small outbursts, that is. It feels like I have a job to do, and that job is to remain calm and in control, to speak with a reassuring voice, to feed myself and sleep and bathe, and carry on as if everything is going to be ok.

Mr Bea asked me whether everything was going to be ok. "What are we expecting to see on this scan on Friday?" he asked. I explained that in normal situations, at 6w3d, you might hope for a foetal pole, a nice plump gestational sac, a heartbeat even. "But I think it would be silly to expect all that with what our hCG's been doing. It'll be good news if we can confirm it's not an ectopic. I think the best case scenario would be a normal-looking intrauterine pregnancy measuring several or more days behind, without heartbeat, and another week of limbo." But I don't really believe that's what we'll see. The spotting has continued almost daily. In my soul I believe it's nearly over. It's just my heart believes it's not yet time to give in.

Meanwhile, I have peed on another stick. It looks the same as the one from last Thursday, so I won't bother photographing it, I'll just refer you back there. Of course, ultimately it can't tell me if the hCG is rising or falling, much less doubling, but it's nice to see the pretty second line.

As for my good deed - there never seemed a better week to focus on infertility. On the people who understand limbo, and that a line is not a line, and can say the right things, at all the right times. First, a couple of shout-outs.

Richard points out the new Give A Toss* campaign for donor sperm in the UK. A campaign manager after the same heart as our very own Max (Don't Be A Wanker campaign). It's very cheesy, and hopefully successful.

Resolve (via Jenny) have passed along a request for couples to step forwards for a documentary (the film and its creators are not affiliated with RESOLVE). Here's what they say, in case you, or anyone you know, are willing and able:

We're interested in your stories. We are shooting a documentary on family building and are looking for a woman or couple trying to have a baby.

What we are most interested in is the emotional side of trying to get pregnant. The struggle to conceive or find a good donor or gestational carrier. We want to know why having your own baby is so very important to you.

We'd like to follow you in your quest...at home and at the doctor's office...to experience the more intimate moments of triumph or failure with each procedure. We're also interested in how it is effecting your family and or partner.

If you believe you could share your story with others...please contact us as soon as possible. I'm sorry there is no monetary remuneration but your shared experiences might help others struggling with infertility. To apply to be a subject in our documentary please write why you think you would be a good candidate for the video. We will contact you and set up a meeting to talk about the project. Thank you for your consideration.

Contact: dianedowling at earthlink dot net

And what about my own good deed? Well, I went to the Access site to make a donation - because I wish every infertile person could have a voice to speak up with, and friends who understand. Even if they don't blog like I do.

*It's come to my attention that Americans may not be familiar with the slang here. "Toss" is another word for "wank" which is, of course, a slang term for male mast.ur.bation. "Give a toss" is roughly equivalent to "give a crap". Hence it's a very witty, slightly naughty pun, full of nuance and meaning, etc etc.


Mandy said...

Still have high hopes for you Bea. Hang in there.
I also find that I feel a lot better helping others, it takes the focus off of my own sorry situation even if only for a while, and enriches someone else's life.

Jules said...

I'll be thinking of you, Mr Bea & your little one tomorrow. Hoping for good news.

StellaNova said...

Oh shit Bea! I haven't been around for a little while. I know the limbo feeling too, but I really feel for you because you keep finding yourself in that awful place.

Keep holding onto that heart hope ... I know it might ultimately not make a difference at all ... but until you know for sure, it's a point of light in the darkness that is that limbo.

Take care.

ColourYourWorld said...

I have everything crossed for you Bea.

Samantha said...

I'm hoping things will work out for you too. It's a testiment to your strength of character how you have managed to ensure this limbo with such grace and resolve.

Anonymous said...

"Give a toss" -- I like that.

Best of luck tomorrow. I am hoping all sorts of good news for you.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I'm still holding onto hope for you. You and Mr. Bea are in my thoughts today. I know I've been whining a lot about my own limbo, but it is nothing compared to what you've been going through and I want to thank you for your constant source of strength and kind words

Lollipop Goldstein said...

First and foremost, I hope for good news tomorrow.

Secondly, I hope that it isn't ectopic or any other situation that could compromise your health.

Thirdly, I hope that you are removed from limbo because limbo is hell. It is simply absolute hell where you can't mourn fully and you can't celebrate fully.

Fourthly, I hope you know that the entire blogosphere is collectively crossing their fingers and holding their breath for you tomorrow (which is possibly almost today where you are). I'm thinking about you, Bea, as well as the little nugget. And sending good thoughts your way.

Serenity said...

I love "Give a Toss." I giggled for a long time on that one. :)

I am hoping so very hard, Bea, for NEWS tomorrow. I very much want it be the very best news. But. I just want it to free you from this Limbo hell.

Much love to you and the Mr... I am thinking of you both.

ankaisa said...

All I can hope is that you do find out what is going on. And that it's not an ectopic. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow!

Aurelia said...

Limbo sucks...totally.

I'll be thinking of you and checking back tomorrow. XX

millie said...

Hoping for good news from you tomorrow.

Kir said...

well I don't have to say that I bope that scan tomorrow shows you lots of good things. I know it's hard to hang in there but I hope you know that if you need to let go for a minute we are all here to hold you.

fingers and other body parts crossed tightly for you.

Jess said...

Praying for you, Bea.

Good luck, and lots of wishes for good news.

Anonymous said...

just want to add another voice to the chorus of well wishes. sending much good energy your way.

Lut C. said...

Good luck with the scan tomorrow. I hope what you see exceeds your expectations, in a good way of course.

Nica said...

Due to a mispent youth, I understood both the terms you used before.

What mel said.


GLouise said...

Thinking of you!

And I had no idea that the word "toss" could mean something naughty! LOL

Twisted Ovaries said...

It's not even my pregnancy, and I'm so hopeful for your Friday scan, babe.

Lindsey said...

I've been reading and hoping for you. I'm sure are more than ready to use your get out of limbo card. It is a strange gray area that feels awkward to either be happy or anticipate possible loss. I hope you graduate soon. Like tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

I really hope the scan brings good things for you, Bea.

You do all kinds of good deeds for everyone else. It is time the universe pay you back.

W.A.I.T.T. said...

Friday just can't seem to come quick enough...heavy sigh.

TeamWinks said...

Crap, I posted under the wrong blog name. So, ditto to W.A.I.T.T. (Since I said it.)

JW said...

I so hope your next scan exceeds your expectations, and you see a beating heart and a perfect little embie. I'm hoping with all my might Bea. x

Baby Blues said...

A good cry always helps me. And a big hug makes me feel better. Hang in there Bea. I'm still hoping it gets better.

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