I didn't want to do a good deed this week. Why should I? The world obviously feels it owes me nothing and just now the feeling is pretty mutual. Surely, I thought, surely I can just chuck a sickie? I mean, who reads these things anyway? Wouldn't they let me off with a note?

Then at some point yesterday I realised I owe it to myself. I need to refuse to fall into a bigger heap than is absolutely necessary. I need to keep working towards my goals - one of which is doing Fifty Good Deeds In Celebration Of Life. I need to do something. I just have to.

Repeatedly coming up against a solid barrier after working so hard towards your dream is not just frustrating, it's soul-destroying. I wish someone would just hand me the thing that takes our chemical-pregnancy barrier away. A voice inside me is sure it's the only thing between us and success, and if only I could work out how to remove it, we'd be set. Well for thousands of working poor the world over, taking away their barrier to success might be as simple as a twenty-five buck loan, repaid in full (but without interest) over six to twelve months (with a default rate less than 3%). Well, shit - I've lent friends more money than that with less assurance of repayment. So with the help of Kiva (and thanks to Ankaisa for the idea) I decided to give it a go.

On Tuesday, Abla Akla, of Toga, got my first loan to help her fund a scheme to bring clean water to her village. I must admit, as a citizen of a nation whose few constitutional rights include "the reasonable use of the waters of rivers for conservation or irrigation" umimpeded by "any law or regulation of trade or commerce" I had to sit for a moment and think about the ethics of selling drinking water. Then again, it's not like this scheme is removing any previous water sources, and also it's not really water "of rivers" is it? The bleeding heart liberal in me wishes people could get what they need for love, but accepts that in practice it will mostly come through money.

Besides, the project seemed to fit. Something about how water, like the ability to not lose an embryo prior to six weeks' gestation, is life.

Cycle update: have started spotting.

Updated update: so then I used an OPK at lunchtime (after unthinkingly hydrating the shit out of myself an hour beforehand) because I suddenly realised I didn't have a dose of Crin.one for tomorrow morning but I thought I wouldn't bother buying more if I definitely wasn't pregnant, so better use an OPK to see if it's worth making the trip or not and... I got a quick and clear second line. You know I'm only making this shit up to keep you biting your nails and second-guessing til the very last page, don't you?*

*No I'm not:

The astute reader will note that the test line is considerably darker than the control. I wasn't timing it, but it happened "quickly".

***Updated updated update*** - for those who asked: still got my appointment tomorrow for another blood test.


Unknown said...

This Kiva thing is fantastic! Will be making a loan myself asap.

I'm so sorry that you've started spotting, Bea. You need something to feed your soul, not destroy it. Take care of yourself.

ColourYourWorld said...

Geez Bea how frustrating for you. And I am here biting my nails and second guessing !

Well the OPK is very good and the spotting doesn't always mean not good.

Good luck for tomorrow !

I will have to have a look at making a loan, sounds like a good one.

noela said...


I'm sorry to hear about the spotting -- that's never good, I know.

But I was wondering -- any particular reason you are using OPK's instead of HPT's? I mean, I "know", technically, one *can* use an OPK to test for hCG....but they aren't really as accurate.... I know you know all of this already...I mean, who here hasn't read PeeOnAStick.com a million times? ;)

Are you going to have another beta to see what's going on?

I'm still hoping for the best for you.


M said...

Holy crap Bea - I don't know how you're doing it. AND to think of doing good things for others- you're truly a remarkable woman x

Bea said...

For Nilla (and others who are also asking themselves this):

I'm using OPKs because that's what I have in the house. That's basically the whole reason. I refuse to go out and buy more peesticks. Also, we're way past the stage where a qualitative test like a peestick can be considered "accurate" - no matter what type it is. The OPK gave me the answer I needed, which was a simple yes/no should I buy more crinone before next beta?

Aren't you guys lucky I didn't post pictures of my spotting?


StellaNova said...

I can feel your frustration Bea. But the line could be a good thing. I know it's important to protect yourself from hope ... so I'll hope for you.

Your donation drive is inspirational - I am truly impressed with your ability to think beyond yourself at this time.

Take care.

Thalia said...

Well that pregnancy seems to be hanging in there despite spotting. What a ridiculous situation to have to go through this again. What is the next step with the doctors?

Serenity said...

You are one of the most amazing women I've had the fortune of meeting.

And that's why I'm pissed beyond all hell that you have to deal with all this ambiguity.

Seems like your brush with pregnancy isn't over just yet. I echo Thalia's comment - what's the next step?

*hug* I wish I could be there to take you out for tea. Or something.

Twisted Ovaries said...

I'm not sure whose cycle is more nerve-wracking, yours or mine. Spotting can be ok, throughout the entire first trimester, so don't feel too depressed yet. It's as my clinic said, as long as it isn't red, it can be perfectly normal.

Not like it prevents us freaking out, of course.

I'm very hopeful for your test, and will be refreshing regularly to see if you're ok.

GLouise said...

I am sorry to hear about the spotting ;-(
Thinking of you,

Baby Blues said...

I agree with Serenity. You're one amazing woman Bea! You have a very generous and kind heart. And I really want this so much for you. Hang in there.

Sarah said...

Thanks for sharing Kiva, that's fantastic. I really hope the spotting is just that "normal" kind we always hear about.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure what to say, other than I wish you all the best luck with your blood test.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I'll third the whole amazing woman thing!

beagle said...

You ARE amazing!

The suspense of the cycle is just too much . . . I hope that OPK is a great sign and that the universe gives back to you with some really great news.

Anonymous said...

Counting down til tomorrow, with all appendages crossed for luck. I'm hoping so hard that this is it for you!

Kir said...

Amazing ...OH YEAH!!!
I like that line, I am hoping that your b/w comes back high and that all this second guessing can stop.

spotting isn't always bad, (or so my newly minted RE tells me) and I'm still holding the hope.

I'll just stand over here, holding it ..until you need it.

Millie said...

What a fantastic thing to do! And here's to a great appointment tomorrow.

Aurelia said...

I-yi-yi-yi I never know what to think about spotting or peesticks or whatever.

Just give me a good old dildocam/hcg test anyday. Preferably daily....shit this is so unfair for you. I'm so sorry.

Hopeful Mother said...

Thinking of you, Bea.

Anonymous said...

weirdness, Bea, especially on an opk... I'm going to do the refreshing thing now, you know that.

Good "luck" today.

Lut C. said...

Having to be amazing sucks - grouchy smurf says. But you do it so well.

projgen said...

Y'know, I finished my last mystery book and was wondering what thriller to read next...

Love those two lines. Would love to hear great results from the blood test even more. Bits crossed for you, Bea!

Anonymous said...

I really hope the next page in this thriller is the beginning of a happy ending. You so deserve it.

Unknown said...

That dark, dark second line is a joyous thing to behold. Best of luck at the next beta.

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