So tonight I had a chat to my mother about Friday. She's staying with me at the hospital and taking care of me overnight, so I had to get her up to speed. We talked for a while. I was calm, and I was brave. She was worried - I could see. Then she said, "It's just... no don't worry."

"What's that?"

"Well it's just... it makes me so angry. You hear these stories about these people who have babies and they don't look after them properly, don't even have the sense to care for them half the time, and the children are abused and mistreated, and then there's you two and... it just makes me mad, that's all."

And I saw myself shrug, and I felt myself smile, and I heard myself say something about not getting angry every time you realise life is unfair. And I talked for a bit about the people who live in countries where IVF isn't funded; the people who barely have money for food and shelter let alone fertility treatments; those for whom ART holds no hope or prospect; my first ever TTC buddy - a teacher from a small regional centre in one-child China with a pittance salary and no access to IVF - therefore no hope for a child - whose school nevertheless makes her take a pregnancy test every six months as a condition of her employment, and what sort of fair is that?

And much as I believe there's a time for anger, there's also a time to put anger aside. And there's a time to end the useless flailing, and take a more considered approach. There's a time to lament the past and the present, and a time to focus on and make choices for the future. A time to laugh, a time to weep. A time for every purpose under heaven.

She used to sing me that, you know, as she tucked me into bed. I guess I get my chance to whisper the lullabies after all.


Hopeful Mother said...

Bea, you sound amazingly at peace right now.

I think it's interesting when our parents start to "get it." But I am so glad to hear that you are putting the anger aside for the time being. It is really, really difficult to do that, for there are SO many things in IF to be angry about. But it comes back to control - we don't have it, so what good is the anger and the worry?

And I love that song by the Byrds.

Kir said...

a turning point in my TTC journey was when my mother started to "get it" and I just felt more at peace with it. I wanted her to understand and once she did, I let a *little* of the anger go. I am glad your mom said that to you, I am glad she sees the unfairness in it.

I wish you lots of good luck this weekend, take good care of yourself

YouGuysKnow said...

i LOVE this post. you are so right. i had a "turning point" about 2 months ago (it was a gradual thing, so kinda hard to pinpoint) about just this sort of thing. feeling more at peace with all of this is wonderful. there are good days and better days and a few bad days, but life is short and a life without anger is much more livable, and dare i say, sometimes wonderful? no matter what happens. hugs.

Serenity said...

I am so happy to hear this. I wish I could let go of the anger too - it's a work in progress for me; I can't let it go completely.

But I have to tell you, when my MIL said the same thing to me, it made me feel so loved. That someone cared about me enough to get angry on my behalf- well, it was just nice.

I love that song too.


Lut C. said...

I've been relieved to let go of some of my anger.

It's good to hear you'll be in good hands on Friday and after.

beagle said...

I had the same thought as serenity, while it's healthiest to let go of the anger, there is something that says love about someone who gets angry on your behalf.

Not sure that made sense. But your Mom sounds like a dear.

Glad you're well.

Anonymous said...

Wow, amazing perspective.

StellaNova said...

I am so happy to hear you sound so calm. You're Mum sounds like a real love.I've just read all of your posts that I missed - you've been through a bit of a tough time - I hope you're recovering well.

ColourYourWorld said...

Bea- Just two words. Thank you.

It was nice to read some positive thoughts and helped me put things into perspective.

Good Luck for friday !!!

soralis said...

It actually is kind of freeing when you can put the anger aside for a while.

Take care

Unknown said...

It does make it easier to know you're supported and that your feelings are shared. IF emotions follow the stages of grief, and anger's right in there. We bargain, we grieve, and at some point let it go. Never all the way, since we still want what we want, but enought to be where you are now. Knowing even when it seems as bad as it could get for you, it's much worse for someone else.

Anonymous said...

I love this post.

It's so validating when a parent crosses over from unhelpful comments to heightened awareness. My mom and dad have done that. My mom has actually given someone a lecture about "just adopt and you'll get pregnant."

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