After the scan that Friday, so as not to keep Mr Bea hanging, I sent him an email with a message so vague as to be indeciferable to those not already in the know - but it went missing. In any case, it didn't mention the picture.

"Do you want to see it?" I asked when I'd eventually caught him up, and he blanched slightly and said he wasn't sure. Mr Bea is a glosser. If a thing bothers him, he likes to try and make it less real. Me, I'm a confronter. I'm a "meat comes from killed animals not the supermarket, you nitwit, and if you can eat it when it's nicely filleted you can eat it when it's presented with its head attached and if you can't deal with it become a vegetarian" kind of girl. Now, when it comes to eating flesh, quite frankly I feel I have the moral high ground. But in coping with pregnancy loss there's no moral ground at all - just an inhospitable abyss, from which each person tries to climb by whatever means they can. Yet when Mr Bea said he wasn't sure about the picture, some ugly reflex in me threw him a look which said, "Have some bloody backbone, man," so he acquiesced and sat down to see.

"What am I looking at?" he asked after a pause during which he frantically searched the photo in the hopes of not having to admit ignorance.

"It's hard to see - it's the zoomed-out view, and blurry at that. The little round thing just there?"

"Huh." And I watched him as he tried not to shrug and say, "That? That's all it is?"


At several points I've thought about giving our embryo/s a name. It's something I haven't done before, but I now see the value in it. Adding a name adds reality; it adds the ability to ritualise and process a loss. It fits with my approach as a confronter. Of course, Mr Bea is against it, being a glosser, but that doesn't mean I can't have a secret name, just for me. Leading up to transfer I decided I was going to call this pair Shitter and Fuckface, based on the reasoning that an embryo with a cute name like "Jellybean" or "Bubblegum" is bound to get flushed down the toilet, whereas "Fuckface" will grow up to be a physically huge and devastatingly intelligent adult, who will exact cruel and excruciating revenge on those who inflicted this early psychological trauma, before turning to a life of heinous crime - and what could make a parent more proud? But at the last minute I chickened out, because really, Fuckface, what kind of mother would that make me? and so the pair went nameless.

Now we're down to one.

I think I'll call her Jester. Because regardless of outcome, this pregnancy feels like some sick bastard's idea of a practical joke.

P.S. Thanks for supporting the IIFF - special thanks to the contributors, of course, and those who spread the word on blogs and messageboards. It's great to see so many people touched by the work of our film makers.


Samantha said...

My husband would be the same way with naming an embryo. He's pretty insistent in considering my chemical pregnancy not to be a miscarriage. I go either way on it, but it only lasted a week. You've been having such an ordeal, I think the name would help with closure no matter what happens.

I think Jester is an excellent name (definitely better than Fuckface for use with relatives, should Jester stick around).

Serenity said...

I like Jester. Very appropriate - no matter the outcome.

J insists on naming our embryos - usually some heinous crazy name. The next embryo, for example - needs to be a J name. He wants to name it "Jesus." He's insistent.

I keep saying no, but I think I'm being overridden. :)

You did a wonderful job with the IIFF, Bea - thanks again for rounding us up for it.

Baby Blues said...

I like "Jester". Very appropriate. I hope Jester sticks around.

Jess said...

Yep. My hubby's a glosser, too.

Like the name Jester. Lovely.

Hoping for Jester. Hope, hope-hoping, Bea. You deserve it.

When is the next scan again?

Lut C. said...

Jester is a great name. Much better than, say, Thorn.

I'm not sure whether I'm a glosser or a confronter. It depends on the area in my life, I think.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I think Jester is a great name! Fuckface maybe a bit harsh and despite the fact the kid is still in utero I think it could do a lot of harm and you would be living with a little hellyun!

Sarah said...

first of all, thank YOU for the IIFF. it was an amazing and grand idea, the kind that so often is too grand to come to fruition, but you made it happen, and in so doing touched a lot of people and made a difference. i think it must count for at least 10 good deeds.

second, jester is perfect.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I think that Jester is a perfect name. I hope that little Jester stays put.

Thanks so much for the IIFF. I didn't find about it until 2 days before it happened, or I would have definitely participated. It was a great idea though!

ColourYourWorld said...

I'm loving Jester !

TeamWinks said...

Awww...and fuckface was really starting to grow on me! Oh well, guess I'll just have to settle for jester. Your rationale sounds solid to me, but who am I to say!

JW said...

Hey Bea, well done on the IIFF, excellent idea and excellent job.

I like Jester, its very apt, and cute too. Shitter came a close second though. :-)

ak1908 said...

Jester is great!!! I'm still hoping and praying for a happy and healthy nine months. Grow little one grow!!!! Thanks for the IIFF.

Baby Blues said...

Just realized I kinda echoed Serenity there. I was probably dozing off. But really, Jester sounds great. Although fuckface sounds much tougher and with much more attitude. Shitter, well sounds smelly.

Anonymous said...

I just realized why that sounded familiar -- wasn't there a pilot in Top Gun named Jester? I'm thinking he was the top instructor in the school -- good omens! (If you believe in that sort of thing :))

Kir said...

first thanks for doing the IIFF, it was so good. I loved seeing each of them. It's so nice to know you're not alone.

I like the name Jester, and I just hope he sticks around.

Rachel Inbar said...

I'm just sorry I didn't understand more about the IIFF sooner... Great work. I definitely look forward to another and hope to think of a way to participate.

Jester is a great name and I still hope things will look good at your next scan.

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