I can't remember how old I was when someone first asked me if I wanted to have children. I think five. Many girls my age answered with squeals, or giggles, or vehement and wide-eyed head-shaking, and continued to do so until well into their twenties, but not me. I always shrugged matter-of-factly and said, "Yeah, one day." Even then, I never considered childlessness an option.

I was in my late teens when the feeling first came. The feeling that "one day" should be "now". I mentioned it to Mr Bea, who looked alarmed, but he needn't have worried because the feeling lasted less than twenty-four hours and it was more than a year before it returned. And when it did it lasted only a day or two. Then a week. Gradually these little sputters of maternal instinct became a whirring engine, a driving force, just waiting for someone to let go of the brake. I was expecting to take off on a road that would last me the rest of my life. I guess you could say we got stuck in traffic.

Then last week it happened. I was eating a sultana scone with a generous slab of butter when I looked up to find a new feeling had arrived. The feeling we two were complete. That our family started and ended - here. And it was ok.

It's gone again now. Who knows when it's coming back? But I wondered if this is how things change - with a feeling that lasts a few hours, then a day or a week, until gradually the great maternal engine sputters out again and we leave it by the side of the road, in favour of some other journey.

In cycle news: I've just spoken to FS about our next cycle, which is FET#5. He's away over Christmas until the 15th of January, which is right on the border, but probably just a little too late, to front up for a January transfer. So we've agreed February. The protocol will be an OI/FSH cycle with injections starting on day eight, but with a few adjustments to dosage to try and improve the quality of the luteal phase.


Serenity said...

Wonderfully put, Bea. And so right.

Well done.

BigP's Heather said...

OMG, I totally felt this way the other day. I might have to post on this - can I link to you?

ColourYourWorld said...

That makes so much sense.


lola said...

Bea, that was beautifully said.
I have been thinking of you, good to hear you sounding so well :)

Lut C. said...

Wow! What a wondeful feeling.

Carol said...

I have fleeting glimpses of that feeling. But I don't want it.

February sounds like a great time for a new cycle!

Josie said...

I am feeling that exact same thing right now. Could this be it? Unfortunaltey knowing me the wont will return.

Glad to hear your protocol for next cycle - I am hoping that is here before you know it.

Anonymous said...

Did you say this was a protocol for FET? If so, I'm a bit confused -- care to elaborate for me? :)

Well said post, btw....I don't think I'll ever feel that way again. Because, for me, I felt that way (not needing/wanting to have kids, ever) back when I was a small child all the way to late teens.

After I had ovarian cancer, I had to re-think how I felt, because my fertility was being challenged in every way. But still, it took YEARS after having been through cancer before I S L O W L Y started coming 'round to the thought of kids. Then, when I met my husband, things changed more, and then when we married, that was it, I officially wanted to have kids, and the race was on...

So, because I feel it took me longer to get to this point, and that I've already visited the "no kids" place, I can't see myself ever going back...

But it is a thought-provoking post! :)

Hope you are well and look forward to hearing more details about your upcoming cycle.


P.S. Beta Blogger not working for me again -- sorry for the anon comment, but it IS me!

Baby Blues said...

Well said. I also get those fleeting moments of happiness and acceptance in being childless. Because we are complete. We may not have the child we're longing for, but we are very happy together.

Anonymous said...

I have that "feeling" more often than I care to admit. The feeling that maybe Mr Kir and I (and Fenton of course) is as close to "family" as I'm going to get. Some days that is SO OK with me and other days, well it's not OK at all.
I am glad that you are doing well and feeling good too. I think Feb is a perfct time to try again.


Anonymous said...

I really hope you will get pregnant. I suffer from secondary infertility, and at 41 I don't think my chances are good. Still every time my period is due I hope that it won't come. I am kind of ok with this but now and then find it hard.

I do have a daughter who is 23 but she was adopted, we are now in reunion.

I saw you on another blog, I am Australian too, living overseas.

Keeping my hopes up for you that you will become a mother one day.
all the best

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