I wrote out the invitations to my 2WW sleepover party weeks ago, and I invited a whole lot of people. But they never turned up. Even when it started getting late.

I felt sure "Obsessing Anxiously Over Every Twinge" would be here. And especially "Frustration About Having To Wait". I've never seen her miss ANYTHING like this before. But the only person who turned up was Maternal Instinct, who I'd never really talked to in the past. In fact, I wasn't sure I could remember asking her to come...

"I know you didn't want me here," she said after an awkward period of small-talk about the asparagus rolls and my general concerns re overcatering.

"It's not that I don't like you," I explained, after an embarrassed pause. "I think you're great. It's just..."

"I'm sometimes superfluous," she finished, letting a wry smile play across her lips.

"And SOME people might have inferred that they find you a TEENSY BIT overbearing - at times. If you're sensitive to that kind of thing."

"You know I held back their invitations."


"Work at the post office." She waved her hand dismissively. "Anyway. It was me." There was a stunned silence whilst I digested this information. At length, she added, "I'm sorry about all the asparagus."

"It's not the asparagus," I replied, shaking my head in bewilderment. "Or even the miniture quiche lorraines. It's just... but... why?"

She heaved a great sigh and ushered me into a seat.

"It's like this," she began. "You didn't want me here. Felt maternal instinct had no place in a two week wait for embryos which probably wouldn't survive. Thought it would be easier to think of them as "things" and not "babies". Thought it would be easier to take the clinical point of view - how many days left to wait? How many signs and what do they mean? Didn't you? Isn't that what you thought?"

I nodded dumbly.

"Well, you were wrong. These embryos are individual. They're the closest thing you've got to children. They're important. And when the doctor did the transfer, he didn't just transfer a few cells. He transferred the responsibilty for taking care of them. No-one else can do that at the moment. No-one except you. That's why I'm here, whether you like it or not."

She was right. I'd been naive to think she wouldn't come. "But why send the others away?"

"Because we don't have time for them."

Maternal Instinct looked at me steadily. I stared back, striving for comprehension.

"You have the rest of your life to analyse signs, to wait in frustration, to worry, to despair, to hope, to grieve, to want. To cry. To heal. You have maybe only a couple of days left to care for these children. So for the next couple of days, it's all you have time for."

I knew she was right.

I didn't even have time for another asparagus roll.

We had a family sleep in on Saturday. Then we watched a children's cartoon movie and ate Thai takeaway.

On Sunday we listened to music and played with the dog. And we smiled. And we laughed. And we sung happy songs, and sad songs, and told stories together.

Because soon, it seems, it will be too late.

Two days til followup beta...

One Comment

Sarah said...

Very nice post! Good luck with the beta and your cycle.

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