tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25184159.post7090349038288364789..comments2023-08-26T01:04:43.031+10:00Comments on Infertile Fantasies: Transform. Exchange. Repair.Beahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11877513815828460269noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25184159.post-46605252925742468262011-07-28T23:20:56.791+10:002011-07-28T23:20:56.791+10:00I'm BATCOAT (bitter & twisted...). I admit...I'm BATCOAT (bitter & twisted...). I admit it. I still carry around the anger, resentment & feelings for being a LTIVFer.<br /><br />Sure, I could shake it & smell the roses, but even though I have conquered the mountain, I can't seem to see the sunshine. There just seems to be so many who get things so easy...<br /><br /><br />I can't really give any advice re your SIF friend (see above). If you don't want to relive it (forget it), then just let her know that. Maybe give her a heads up on the meds, procedures, etc. It's up to you what you let out, or keep inside. If you think reliving it will help, then go for it.<br /><br />I like what Mel has said about the empty bowl being the best approach. I'd probably go with that.Juleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06324703617330026036noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25184159.post-47174466527354814252011-07-25T22:12:28.478+10:002011-07-25T22:12:28.478+10:00i don't have any input to offer, but i wanted ...i don't have any input to offer, but i wanted to say that i too am a fan of that first paragraph! it is so spot on, and could be about anything- a messed up career, failed relationship, health issues, and so on.mdhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10842467014548424916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25184159.post-24111708832979726432011-07-25T04:39:02.701+10:002011-07-25T04:39:02.701+10:00Hm, I do wonder if I'm hanging on to my pain m...Hm, I do wonder if I'm hanging on to my pain more than need be, as you say because I have 'earned the right' to have it. And it's familiar. <br /><br />Doing a second round of primary IF isn't the same as secondary IF in the medical sense, I would think. <br /><br />I would imagine there are parallels, in particular in giving yourself permission to be upset by it. After all, with one you're so lucky already. <br />But perhaps I'm mistaken, someone who had it easy to have one might feel more entitled to being upset. <br /><br />And of course one person is different from the next. <br />I've been very driven in doing ART, lots of it. My SIL just keeps postponing and postponing. Her choice, but one I can't really relate to.Lut C.https://www.blogger.com/profile/03893061829410958985noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25184159.post-61830325924865830472011-07-23T04:46:25.018+10:002011-07-23T04:46:25.018+10:00I'm another fan of that first paragraph.
I th...I'm another fan of that first paragraph.<br /><br />I think the empty bowl approach is the ideal way to go, but I've found it to be difficult to be completely available for whatever a "newbie" needs. I have been approached a lot because we had a very desirable outcome with healthy twins on the first IVF cycle. Despite earlier grief and disappointments, you also have a very desirable outcome with a healthy baby and later a surprise pregnancy. People like such stories. And when I was thinking about trying IVF, I focused on others' positive outcomes, of course. I wanted to know what worked on that one successful cycle. So I think your friend will want sympathy but also concrete info with a positive spin as encouragement.Ellen K.http://www.southcitysadie.typepad.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25184159.post-37726937684116215232011-07-23T04:09:25.848+10:002011-07-23T04:09:25.848+10:00We do carry our grief, anger, and resentment furth...We do carry our grief, anger, and resentment further than necessary. Sometimes we're carrying around the baggage and don't even realize it. Last year when my cousin got pregnant I was bemused at her preparations and nest feathering, her FB postings and baby registry. Then, I began to be annoyed and irritated, and then downright bitter. This person had grown up alongside me, having every privilege in the world that I hadn't, and now even getting pregnant was a breeze. I'm just amazed at how IF, the nemesis I thought I'd throttled, can still pop up and stab me in the heart. Grrr....stupid infertility ;)Chickenpighttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09442755180328605920noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25184159.post-42403281271364840762011-07-22T13:32:55.016+10:002011-07-22T13:32:55.016+10:00I agree....practical advise....your experiences......I agree....practical advise....your experiences....etc. I have been talking to a friend who's about to start IVF and I think just listening you can easily tell what to offer. Encouragement, "it'll be okay and you'll get through it" type of advice, or medical tidbits....just whatever she asks! Good luck!<br /><br />(I don't fully understand this "healing" people talk about if I'm honest. I feel like it's sort of like most things in life...it just IS. You take your experiences, you learn from them, or else you just get through them and move on, and then you go to the next thing. Sure, it sucks, but it could have been worse, and it's a small amount of time (Yes, I just called 2004-2011 a "small amount of time) in the scheme of things. People spend more time and money and effort on far less important things, and after all...I could do infertility treatments and adopt which is a lot more than most people have choice to do. I say in the end MOST OF US should be counting ourselves lucky, patting ourselves on the back, and smiling with the knowledge that even if it didn't turn out how we envisioned it, it turned out. And besides, who wants to appreciate their family less or be petty about gender, etc?)Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05181924375187173030noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25184159.post-85124694559965914722011-07-22T13:14:46.008+10:002011-07-22T13:14:46.008+10:00I think you go with your gut when you talk with yo...I think you go with your gut when you talk with your friend because you know infertility and what it is like to live with that and you know your friend. Prompt her to talk, listen to what she says and I think you will know what to say.<br /><br />Also, what you wrote about transforming your sorrows so that you can both end up feeling healed? I had to stop and cry a bit when I read that. After a successful IVF, we were not able to have success for a sibling. We have chosen to stop treatment and I have been giving away the baby things and maternity clothes that I had packed away hoping to use again. They went to friends and family who all had some struggle with trying to get pregnant. I thought it would be hard and although it has been sad, it was not as difficult as I imagined and it felt freeing. Reading what you wrote, I now understand why.Summerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10462071403127406819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25184159.post-44119669839558685862011-07-22T05:16:56.348+10:002011-07-22T05:16:56.348+10:00I think that I would go for the practical advice. ...I think that I would go for the practical advice. Things like:<br /><br />It will be stressful. Do not plan any other events during that time period.<br /><br />Cook food ahead, clear your plate as much as you can. <br /><br />Your spouse may react differently than you expect. Talk about who is going to do what. My first IVF my husband wanted to hide while I took care of the details. That did not work well for me.<br /><br />Does that help?Not on Firehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00905351447791950134noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25184159.post-27321432700022594362011-07-22T02:09:00.684+10:002011-07-22T02:09:00.684+10:00Damn, that first paragraph will have me thinking a...Damn, that first paragraph will have me thinking all day.<br /><br />I think you don't prepare anything mentally ahead of time. You just listen and I think you will either find that you have more in common (or at least can understand) than you think OR the words will naturally fit themselves right in your mouth when you need them. I think going in as an empty bowl and letting her pour in what she needs will be the best approach for both of you.<br /><br />Yes?Lollipop Goldsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01020874415819057995noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25184159.post-60122856486790615032011-07-22T01:36:22.705+10:002011-07-22T01:36:22.705+10:00As a IFer dealing with primary infertility with my...As a IFer dealing with primary infertility with my own sister AND secondary infertility with my best friend D? <br /><br />The most valuable thing I did for both of them is to ask what they needed from me during the process. Multiple times, because it changed over the months.<br /><br />It took me many mistakes and yes, stupid things I said, to realize this.<br /><br />Your first paragraph, Bea? Yes. Especially this sentence "We carry our grief, our anger, and our resentment for further than is neccessary when we haven't yet decided what to do with it."<br /><br />So true.<br /><br />xoxoSerenityhttp://www.serenitynowinfertile.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.com